Mary's first email to Amber

Til: "Amber Petty" skinnedknees @ skanksnet.com.au
Fra: "Kronprinsessen" rugbyboysrule @ kissmyass.dk
4 December 2005
SV: Hey

HEY. Well, the bub’s asleep so I can finally grab some time. Oh my God, you remember our cook, right? You thought he was kind of hot, I swear I don’t get that, but whatever, he’s all trying to make me eat these large, “healthy” (yeah, whatever) meals to “keep up my strength” or something and I’m all like HELLO, got weight to lose just give me a damn melon slice and a cracker, who pays you? Men are so bloody CLUELESS sometimes.

Anyway. Did you hear? That Norwegian bitch just had a baby. This one isn’t going to be king, though, cause they’ve got a different system up there and so that bald kid of their’s gets to be queen. That is why I am SO GLAD we had a BOY so that there is NO QUESTION. He already looks SO much like Daddy and not these inbreds, thank GOD. Anyway, they didn’t announce the name though and I SWEAR it better not be Kristian. Oh if it is, I swear that crazy drug-addicted, dyed-blonde FREAK is in for it. I’ve convinced Fred to not ask Haakon to be godfather until they announce their kid’s name because if it is Kristian, then Haakon has SO lost his last chance to be my husband’s best friend which is fine by me because that show-off witch of a wife of his always wants to STEAL MY THUNDER, like when she went to the Rottweiler’s wedding and showed off all la-di-da I’m a Scandinavian princess looker me looker me. I’m so glad that Fred went away like I told him (I swear he was almost harder to break than my HORSE). Was that not a killer excuse to not go, I mean really, who would ever doubt that going to Greenland could be anything but “meaningful” and “important”. Haha. Because NO WAY was I going to that wedding! I am so much better than having to attend a lousy boring second wedding that isn’t even really a wedding, hello. You are such a bitch to think that I was too insecure to be with them. Are you freaking KIDDING me? Don’t throw that shit my way ever again.

At least my kid isn’t yellow anymore. Thank God. I mean, how bad is that? I just about punched Dad I was getting so tired of the jokes. And that looker me BITCH in Spain had to have had her kid airbrushed to death I mean NO BABY comes out looking that good. It is impossible! It’s like she wanted once again to STEAL MY THUNDER and NO WAY am I putting up with that. I told Fred that no way is Felipe going to be godfather, but of course I did it all nice and all like, well he is Catholic honey, so maybe it’s better not to ask him. He totally bought it. I give her props for staying hidden for a week before being photographed though – she needs that time to be put together haha. I looked SO much better, don’t you think? I was so going for the casual barrette thing to make it look like I don’t give a rat’s ass and they BOUGHT IT. Ha. I told Søren to go gentle on the flat iron so it wouldn’t look too “done” and later we laughed like hyenas about pulling the wool over people’s eyes, you should have seen us. That idiot Bodil Cath will believe ANYTHING. Anja brought me that super awesome dark coat that looks Chanel and was all wear it with black stockings since you’ll be standing long enough and you can do the T and it’ll make your legs look SO GOOD and everyone will be all oh my god she’s so HOT right after giving birth which stirs up all those erotic virgin mama-whore feelings in men or something like that. You know what? She was RIGHT!

Speaking of Søren, did I tell you he called his friend Ole to come over? He mumbled something about needing “serious intervention” after he saw the photos of us coming home with the spud. Ole is HUGE in Hollywood – he’s even done KIDMAN - and he’s this amazing beauty guru and came over to talk to me about even MORE things I could do to look pretty. I swear to God, and you BETTER not tell this to ANYONE, but I am starting to channel Patty like Fred’s been channeling drunk crazy people with bad toothaches lately. It totally FREAKS ME OUT. I mean I love her and everything, but let’s get real, she’s a little harsh looking to say the least and it scares the CRAP out of me, the very idea of looking like my family. I mean, our genes are great, but well, Daddy didn’t have the best ideas about personal hygeine, so it’s not like it’s not PREVENTABLE, but STILL. So we talked about how ok, the laser resurfacing was like a really good start like the restylane and now there is this crazy expensive cream that has like – don’t gag – human placenta in it and seaweed or something like that and it’s what all these crazy Italian aristocrats use and it’s super RARE and I’m all like, will it work, and they’re like, honey, please. So I’m all like, ok, sign me up but it BETTER WORK. It’s supposed to like plump up wrinkles and lines, not like I really have any but better to start before they come, right? And there’s this other thing, I think it’s like $200 an ounce or something, SO expensive, but it’s to protect me from any more sun spots and freckles and tanned like a COW’S HIDE because I can SO not go down that ugly road anymore, you know? Oh, sorry, but you know what I mean. You don’t look that bad at all. Really. J

Hey, what the HELL is the deal with Becs and this baby she just had? And what is this BULLSHIT about some Hewitt spawn getting busy with my kid?! WHATEVER! As if THAT baby’s going to learn any manners. GOD. I might MAYBE allow Bec to be seen with me next visit, but I SWEAR you’ve got to tell her no more stupid stuff like Hewitt. She needs to get her shit together and start acting like a LADY if she thinks she can snag an invite to our next Aussie party. I don’t do bogan anymore, I’ve been REAL clear on that. Tell her! I mean it, Am. Otherwise, the deal is OFF.

Speaking of coming back, do you have any news yet? What is the DEAL? We’d put out some small PR here, but nobody’s biting. What’s going on down there? You’re not slacking off, are you? Haha, sorry, but really, please try to HURRY and let us know what’s going on because if Markson’s going to be involved, then we’ve got to get him in quick and make sure we can pay his fees (can you freaking BELIEVE what he wants?) and we’ve got to have time for Jayson to design our dresses (are you still in for that, too?). Make sure he’s still just doing it for the publicity. I am worried that we will NOT be able to pay those stupid prices AND still have everything up to standards. Remember how that one guest bit into his shrimp appetizer and like the SHELL was still on it? I was so ready to KILL or FIRE that stupid chef. Oh, and tell that bitch Kate and whoever the hell she’s sleeping with that they are so NOT invited to any party we’re at. That idiot stepped on my dress and nearly ripped it last time. I was FUMING, but you know me, I totally looked like I was keeping my cool. Plus, I hate her anyway because her legs are longer than mine. Christ, maybe we should just go back to Plan A and do the concert thing and keep it more casual. Then we could dress up so that bitch Kylie knows who the real ROCK STAR is.

Did you hear about my cousin’s FREAK of a husband? What an idiot. He gets busted for diddling some under age slut and now will probably have to go to JAIL, can you imagine my embarrassment? And now my cousin Jackie is all oh my God Mary it’s awful and she wants to get together either there or here for “moral support” or something, yeah right, AS IF! You know me, I so want to give her such a big HUG, but you know, it’s just not the right idea. I cannot risk my publicity to be seen with a RAPIST LOVER. Hello. Some people just have no clue. Like when Fred – I told you this, right – was all ok to Andrew Denton about doing some cheap radio promo spot and I was all HELLO Clueless! Can you spell class? Evidently NOT. I am the one who needs to field the marketing questions. GOD.

Did I tell you? We have to have Christmas with the queen and Frenchy again this year. Grrrr. This is going to get old FAST. I swear if they smoke around me and my kid anymore I’m going to LOSE IT. They are freaking CHIMNEYS. At least my family’s around so that we can slip out early and have a decent, relaxed time. Except that Christmas and the cold DO NOT go together! I’m telling you it SUCKS! I so wish you and I could go out to Bondi together in army shorts (why do people say they’re manly, are they insane?) and sunnies (gotta protect the investment, Fred is ALWAYS bitching about the cost) and find a good terrace to sit on and just relax and pretend not to notice when people recognize us. HA. I’ll let you know if Fred actually gets me the jewelry I picked out for the baby’s birth. He’d BETTER! Ha. Did you know that? It’s what rich people do – give the woman jewelry when she pops out a kid. Doesn’t that ROCK? I figure I’ve got 10 good years left. Problem is I so do NOT have the mommy instinct. GOD. Grow up already, kid!

Did I tell you the good news? I’ll be at these New Years Eve celebrations that they throw here and I get to dress up full stop, I am so gonna ROCK THE HOUSE in my skinny body and jewels. Yup, I get to wear the tiara, baby! People are going to freaking EAT ME UP. Billed Bladet should PAY me. I LOVE that the slow people get a regular dose of me every few months. It keeps me flying high and in their faces. They cannot get enough of me. Boom, wedding! Boom, tour that country (Denmark)! Boom, tour our country! Boom, get pregnant! Boom, have the baby! Boom, rock the house on New Years and then is the christening for more show!

Oh, by the way, I have to tell you that I am SO sorry that you won’t be a godmother. I really am sorry. I fought hard for you and I swear I thought maybe at one point they were about to cave, but JESUS, I have rarely been fought so hard by them. Something about continuing tradition and maintaining integrity, blah blah, I don’t even know, so I’m really sorry. Maybe next time? But I CANNOT make promises. They made me swear to that. God they can be tightasses sometimes. I was all like ok, fine, WHATEVER. I’m pushing for Gustav (do you still think he’s cute – he’s still totally available you should GO FOR IT) and the Swedish girl. Remember her? You call her Monster Chin. Ha! But she really is super sweet and we need at least one title showing up. I cannot STAND most of them. They are all FREAKS who have this insatiable need to SHOW OFF and STEAL PEOPLE’S THUNDER, like WHATEVER!

Hey thanks for sending me that Emma Tom book about me. God, she sure does think she wrote a good one, but boy did she get it WRONG! Ha. What the hell about that part with that bloke for hire going through my TRASH – what the? That SO pisses me off. Why would ANYBODY do such a thing? I mean, my God, is nothing sacred? Can a person just not throw away her trash anymore with out the freaking CIA coming in? Jesus. So what I threw away a letter from my grandmother. Hello, she’s DEAD. And Miss Emma just has NO CLUE about how Fred and I hooked up. None. HA! And THANK GOD about her not knowing anything about Niklas or however you spell it. Oh my GOD did I dodge a bullet with that. It’s bad enough his bitch of a sister and that horse-tooth sister-in-law who thinks she GOD’S GIFT but is so totally WRONG were all talking about us in secret AS IF I COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT. Bitches. Remember them? As if they can talk, one of them is FAT and the other is SHORT. HA! Oh, sorry, Amb, short isn’t really bad, not really. It’s just that being taller is better, you know that.

Crap. I’ve got to run, the kid’s crying. I swear this breast feeding thing has got to STOP SOON. I can NOT get National Geographic tits out of this. He won’t suck ME dry. Somebody’s got to stay hot in this family. God, have you seen Fred’s grays? They’re only visible all the way to FREAKING HOBART. And he has NO intention of dying them. I’m so sick of arguing about it so I was all like WHATEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT. But I did it all sweet so I could get more points. I have SO many points and the boy is ALWAYS in need of more. Haha!! That’s the way you got to handle ‘em, girl.

Talk to Markson then write back SOON!!

M