To: “Princess Mary” rugbyboysrule @ kissmyass.dk
From: “Amber Petty” skinnedknees @ skanksnet.com.au
8 December 2005
Hey babe, what’s going on? Nothing here.
Oh my god, we did it!! Did I tell you?! Me and Mark. We just totally came out and officially confirmed that we’re a couple! Isn’t it kind of like totally incredible to like deal with the press? It just feels right, you know, and like my destiny, too. Oh my god, Mary, it feels so good to be free with our love, you know? I mean, it is just so hard to like hide your love and everything, you know all about that. You had to do it with Fredrik and it sucked, I so totally remember. Oh my god, remember that time I almost blurted out to him how much you thought you and him were like Romeo and Juliette and like, totally destined to be together? It was so romantic and I almost wanted to cry for you I was so happy but you were all like SHUT UP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TOO EARLY while moving your finger across your neck a bajillion times and looking like you were going to kill me! It was kind of funny, but no, really, I still feel so bad about that, but you were right all along, cuz look you have this baby together and you are like famous and rich and have the best clothes of anyone!!! Is anything better than that?
But anyway, back to me and Mark. He’s just like the most amazing man!!!! Can you believe I got Mark Freaking Alexander-Erber!!!! It has made all that bullshit walking the red carpet alone posing with no one but faggots and idiots like Renee Geyer all worth it (can you believe that bitch Linda Gavin actually thinks she looks younger than me!?!?!?) Even that tranny bitch Courtney Act is all damn, I wish I were a real girl. Oh my god, I so love that his last name is hyphenated. THAT is class, baby! Pubboy is really taking off and he has SO many new hotels coming (you and Fredrik have got to stay in one of them next time you will love it!!) and oh, you would love this cuz it’s so like what you’ve always said, he’s starting to do all this branding cuz he said something about most people are dumb enough to buy anything and he wants his life moto to be his trademark and so the t-shirts say *uck it Baby Roll the Dice. Isn’t that amazing!?!?!? He says it keeps him rolling in it!! Haha!! GOOD!! I will totally make sure you and Fredrik get some t-shirts, ok? Too bad they don’t make baby sizes!! Haha!! He’s such an exciting man and baby, my credibility is UP!!! It’s about time. He really nows how to live and he totally rocks my world and everyone totally like bows down to him. We go for rides on his motorcycle all the time and everyone looks at us and totally check us out!! He reminds me so much of you, Mary, cuz your both like these geniuses when it comes to making things happen and cuz he also has this amazing power of being successful because he totally believes in himself. He says he trains his subconscious. I told him that you too were probably separated at birth or something cuz you are like the same way!! Isn’t that freaky? He also says degrees are ok, but living life is where the real lessons come from! I love that!! Just like your degree never came in handy, either!!!
And the best part (for me!!!) is that he is just like Fredrik – he has money coming out of his ass!!! Thank God. Mary, I know we totally talked about how we where going to totally marry only men who totally respected us and had money and we did it!!! We deserve this and should not feel bad about it one little bit!!!! We are just so blessed. You and Fredrik have got to use him whenever you do your concert thing down here. Remember, we are so totally about helping you with that Pakisten thing (what is that for, anyway???) that your doing. Mark’s Witness Protection Entertainment could totally produce a rocking show for you!! Are you sure it still has to be for charity? It’s just that it would be more fun if it didn’t have to be. That way you don’t have to worry about band reputations and hoping that there is a little money left over for sick kids or whatever. Like last year when you raised a couple thou for the Red Cross. Although at least it got me on their board. Nothing else was making that happen! People can be rude, can’t they? I know your getting that a lot more of that these days. Well, so am I. People are jealous!!!!! Like that bitch Moira from BigLittleMusic always looked down her nose at me, but no more!!! We could totally get like Mikelango and Black Sea Gentlemen. There going to totally run from their agent and over to us in a heartbeat. They now were the smart representation is!!!! And Linda Gavin is going to have start kissing my ass!!! Haha. Livia Rose and Biftek are so totally going to be green with envy at my new superstardom with WPE. I love you, Mark!!!!
Of course Jane is spitting mad. But that’s her own fault. Mark told me what a freak she has become. It’s been ever since she became a mother. You’ve totally got to be careful, Mary!!!! Mark swears she used to be cool, and I know that you guys know each other, (I guess it’s pretty cool that you introduced me to her because now her husband is like my dream) but now that she has kids she has turned into a monster. Mark says she wouldn’t let him do anything, ever!!! He could never just go out and have a night out with the guys. And she would yell at him for coming home late when he was working in the evenings and on weekend nights and call him selfish – as if!! Who’s making sure she can shop all she wants? Oh my god, can you imagine? What is it with some women? They can be such total over-protective bitches!! She would make him like play with the baby and feed him – when he had to leave and go to work at night. It just makes me so sad for him. I just want to love him and give him a big, big hug then when he stops being sad, I’d want to make him really really happy and unzip his pants and pretend to wonder if he wants it. Oh my god, I’ve never been with anybody who loves it like he does!! But I’ve got to try to get him to stop holding my head down. It sucks! (Hahahaha). But it’s not as bad as that time that one guy made me go get my teeth contoured because he thought they were scraping him too much. Oh my god, whatever!!
I swear, Jane better get her crap together and soon. Do you still know her enough to tell her to stop it and get a grip? Maybe your secretary can do that? Please? Think about it cuz I could really use your help. It’s not enough that I call her up at her real estate office at Ray White and hang up when she answers. I can no longer be safe out there with all those jealous bitches in every freaking bar in Sydney who are not afraid to go all kung fu on me. I don’t even know who hit me, it was that hard and they just came up from behind. I’ll bet it was either that bitch Jackie O (her radio station is around the corner, isn’t it?) or Gretel Killeen. Bitches! That idiot barmaid Breeannah was all oh, can I help you and I’m all um, yeah, stop that bitch from hitting me, oh too late!!!!! Sometimes it is like everyone is out to get me. You get that feeling too sometimes, right? The whole world is jealous, Mary. They cannot take people who are beautiful and smart and famous and better than them. It is just a FACT. We have a lot to deal with, don’t we?
The good news!!! We’re coming to see you!!! I want to be in town for the baptism. That’s cool, right? We could stay in that upstairs suite, unless your family is using it, then we could take one of the downstairs rooms. Or maybe your family could take the downstairs rooms? Whatever. I can not wait to see you!! And for you to meet Mark!! And for Fredrik to meet him. It’s going to be so nice to all go out as two couples, you and me with our awesome (rich!!) men! Hey, maybe you and Fredrik can take us to that amazing club in Copenhagen one night? It’s not that far a drive and it would be so fun!!
So are you going to get that Norwegian guy know that you now that he didn’t name his kid the wrong name? What the hell kind of name did he give his kid, anyway? Oh my god, as if anyone on the planet can pronounce that. And what’s with Magnus? Have to tell the world you’ve got a big one? Whatever, if you’re that desparate!! Haha.
Please please please DO NOT ask Phillip to be godfather. Oh my god, that would be so totally embarrassing for me! I cannot see him again. He was so uncool to me after Thailand, which is weird because when we were there, he was all like you are so awesome and beautiful and I want you to do me all night. Oh my god, it was so romantic. It was such a total dream. I really thought that maybe we were going to go the whole way together, you now, like you and Fredrik. I LOVE the sound of Princess Amber don’t you!!!??. Then he had to go and get all freaky and cold and pretend to not know me after!! Whatever he had a tiny wing-wang anyway. That bitch of a girlfriend of his was so like stay the hell away from him you crazy bitch – even though she ended up moving out. Can you say the kettle calling the black pot? Hello! Plus, I think Mark would totally like take him out back, anyway and really show him how a gentleman treats a proper lady and that would just not be cool with a baby around, I now, don’t worry. Mark totally knows how to act around kids – he has two now remember? The little one is the same age as yours!!! Isn’t that awesome? Maybe they can play together when you come back. Wouldn’t that be just perfect, Mary, here we are with our babies (well, my step-babies!!) playing and our men drinking beer and riding motorcycles and we’re talking and feeding our babies. But definitely make sure Gustav is there!! I want to make him jealous with my new man and show him what a loser he is for not going for it with me. Is Fredrik’s cousin Niklas (however you spell that!) still available? Since he didn’t go for it with you, you wouldn’t mind if I tease him with Mark would you? I’m telling you, I am soooooo proud of my man!! (Can you tell!!!!)
Oh, I got the baby photos you sent yesterday. Don’t worry, it’s just a weird angle and probably really crappy liteing. NOBODY’s nose can survive that kind of strait on close-up. And I’m sure he’ll grow out of it and become really really cute!! :- )
Bye!! Write soon!!!