08 July, 2006

Rob (Roy) Woad-bod and the Picts

Mr Rob (Roy) Woad-bod
Wee, Dram and Bairnspiddle Barristers and Solicitors
Hwiskey Hic Brook Thrae HeatherARGYLLSHIRE
email: weedram @ haggis.och.sc

Dear Mr Woadbod,

I've been given your details as a leader in the field of Pictish Indigenous rights. My clients are an Australian family of traditional Bogan culture who wish to lay claim to the Crown Jewels of Denmark on the basis of Indigenous Rights. They wish to base this on Aboriginal family lore here in Australia, where communal ownership of property has been used successfully to argue for communal land rights. They are yet to decide whether to pursue rights as Picts or as Danish Royals through the marriage of one of their number into the Danish 'moiete', giving them, they argue, equal ownership rights with the Danish Royal Family to all Royal estates. Naturally these rights would then extend to other Danish royal brides; they attempted to bring Princess Alexandra into a joint legal action but she has so far demurred.I will be telephoning you, and this letter is to put you in the picture about the topic I wish to discuss with you.

Yours faithfully,
Tjakumarra 'LuruBarrister at Law
"The Block"

Dear Tjakumarra 'Luru and Many, Many Associates,

Thank you for your phone call of a wee while ago, thanks kindly. You called at drinkie time at your end, and I was at drinkie time at mine (how astonishing, given the time difference!) so it was indeed a warm and lively interaction for the unacquainted. But that's how it is between Indigenous peoples, is it not, in the face of oppression? Indeed, I receive calls from an Indigenous colleague in Wyoming quite frequently - and his drinkie o'clock is the same too!!!Now, if I read you arright, you have clients, a clan named Boganson, trying to decide whether to identify as displaced Scotch Picts or de facto 'absorbed' Aboriginal Australians for purposes of getting their wee paws on the Crown Jewels and sundries of the Kingdom of Denmark. I'm inclined to advise that the Aboriginal Australian identification would be the way to go.

I consulted an expert at the School of Anthropology in London, a Pictish Indigenous colleague who works in the Pacific Section and is well happy to push for Indigenous rights. He was tired of dusting off skulls so organised their return holus bolus. Hard to identify which communities they should return to, but really, that wasn't the issue. The issue was our righteous desire to get RIGHT UP the anthropology aristocracy and oppressors. Wha hae!!! Anyway, our colleague advised that Pictish rights apply to land rights only, and not possessions. Something cultural I suspect, and due to our frugal and dissembling Scotch forebears failing to let on that they were accumulating possessions. So if frozen turf is that Bogansons' bag, they're welcome to pursue that line. Frankly I think the Indigenous Australian path is the path to a much more lucrative Dreamtime for the Bogansons! According to Aboriginal law that can easily and convincingly be resurrected from 20 millennia ago through paleological records etc, anyone who marries into that family, and his entire 'skin' or clan, has to share EVERYTHING. That means, in the case of these Bogansons, they can lay claim to the Danish royal family's assets and also those of that French hanger-on, Henrik something-or-other, if his family owns anything at all. (I hope we're organising a percentage fee!) Small downside PR-wise would be that the rapist has to be included as family.

It is EXCELLENT evidence of communal breeding and common-nesting identity that the rapist was invited to the Royal Wedding some five months after charges were laid. I'd recommend sifting through the monikers of the Bogansons and looking for the original Aboriginal versions of their names. Patricia's 'skin name' would be Partjartja. It appears there was the equivalent of horse-face back then, even though there were no horses extant! Perhaps the name refers to an echidna. John (Jr.) Boganson would have been Donfuckencallmebaldboyo, I would expect. The Bogansons sound well under way with the first step in the proceedings, which is to move onto the commonly owned frozen turf, or within the screech of the most powerful woman in the tribe. Visually you would expect it to be the mother-in-law, due to the size of the thrust breasts through grey gaberdine. But there are no hard-and-fast rules. John (Sr.) Boganson's Chad Morgan teeth are something of an indicator. Chad Morgan was part-Indigenous, and his song "I'm my own granpa" is a rousing inspiration to clan claim intricacies. To cut a long yarn short, all the Bogansons need to is all turn up on Kingdom of Denmark soil at the same time, and do a sit-down on the ground with a member from each side of the family wearing something along the lines of a possum-skin cloak and express the desire to have it all, and have it now. The spearhead Boganson, Mary, need do no more than she has already done - combine genes with Frederik and produce a mixed moitje member. All done, sewn up. I'd say the mink carry-all qualifies as possum-skin cloak. That was smart of Mary, getting her hands on the Danish Queen's cast-off fur coat!

In an interesting coincidence, while I was doing some traditional Indigenous Pict poaching in the woods a few weeks ago (on that estate some latter-day Vikings from Legoland stole off the original Saxon thieves who of course robbed it from MY ancestors) I came across the princess in conference - in good Indigenous sit-down fashion - in the woods. She and a big robust fellow and an extraordinary looking small jumpy woman - definitely not Pictish, more Indigenous Cornish. Corned beef complexion, Cornish, indeed!!! They were sitting around a very traditional Bogan Culture instrument know, I believe, as a 'bucket bong'. I have lost my indigenous sneak-up skills, and unfortunately overheard very little of the conversation. I did, however, get a close-up look at the princess from behind the snowman they had been having fun making - a dead ringer for Prince Frederik, with all sorts of symbology attached and an unfortunate exaggeration of some of his odder features. A baby gosling with a beer belly came to mind. The princess is indeed of exceptionally Pictish/Celt appearance. Incipient jowels - very much in evidence at the christening pictures - are an unmistakeable marker of the 'nooo stuff and nonsense laddy!' mentality our Pict/Celt women have used to conquer the spirits of nearly every weak-chinned male on the planet, the greatest emotional colonisation in history. Wha hae! Tjakumarra, you'll do fine. Denmark is full of bleeding-heart intellectual academics, because, as you know, those Scandinavian countries rely on higher education conferences, and troubleshooting genocides and things in farflung lands, to get anyone on the planet to visit. Where there is a culture of fuzzy academics you'll find fertile ground for our ancient laws to seed and prosper. Pictish and Indigenous Australian is a powerhouse combo. At least as powerful as the Vikings when they invaded the south of England.

And according to the tale ye tell, the surprise element all there, thanks to the princess's genius for distraction and subterfuge. Maths chair!! Hah hah! Creative writing lecturer! Hah hah! I await with great amusement the job designations of the remaining many! Let us know if we can proffer further advice. I'd suggest you take on the skin name Boganson yourselves in the meantime, by some circuitous route. I'll be investigating that avenue meself!A word of caution: Danish jante-law may pose an obstruction. I have taken note of your comments about an "We're better'n you f***face" tendency amongst the tribe. Jante-law will mean the slow Danes may take their time but they may wake up and apply jante-law to their thinking. I have taken the liberty of contacting a genetic expert, Dr Yehudi Geldstein of New York, in the hope that he can unravel the genetic basis for any Boganson traits that pose a risk to their plans. "So whaddayagunnadoaboudithuh?huh?f***face" genetic tendencies may need to be discreetly countered via substances and cordials of the convivial kind.

Wha Hae!!!

Yours sincerely,
Rob Roy Woad-Bod (soon to be Boganson!)


Blogger Jill said...

Thank God his daughter married a Prince.. Else he'd never be able to fix those atrocious snaggleteeth!

September 23, 2006 10:23 am  
Anonymous lupina said...

Grampa Jock, I fear, is going to be held responsible for a few pictish blunders....! that poor wee bairn of Fred and Mares, has possibly inherited the unfortunate gnashers, and maybe red hair! still, the loot donated to them annually by compulsory public subscription should sort that out.

September 27, 2006 3:51 am  

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