14 February, 2009

A Day in the Life

6:00am - Wake to sound of one of progeny crying. Hit snooze whether nanny comes or not. Make mental note to send Amber international time zone map to avoid more 3am, on-air phone calls - and one to Fred to stop accepting the charges.

7:00am - Rise, pee, thank god latest social station is above random drug testing.

7:15am - 2 sips coffee, 3 bites half a high fibre muffin, thin spread of vegemite.

7:20am - Puke before salty vegemite forces water retention.

7:30am - Visit Fred's room to find the riding crop from last night's horrid 'Melbourne Cup' fantasy. Thank god that these adventures are only once a menstral cycle. Discover a phone number scrawled on napkin with the name Cecilie with little hearts. Hit the bastard across his bum with the crop and run before the sleeping fool gets excited.

8:00am - Trot around Fredensborg Park with stable master. Remind Per to fire him for riding critiques. Nobody's paying anyone to be honest.

9:00am - Postpone shower to check DVR storage. Slump on beige sofa with bag of crisps and the remote. Make a mental note to never let myself go like Oprah.

2:00pm - Awaken from sofa slumber by driver. Brush crumbs off chest, run upstairs, put on yesterday's outfit. No time to change knickers. Slick hair back in ponytail.

2:20pm - En route, ask where we're going. Tell driver 'never mind' when he answers in Danish. Text favourite photog that 'candid' shots will be available within the hour and to call Per's office to get the address of wherever I'm going.

2:59pm - Sit up straight and tense the jaw as car approaches some building.

3:00pm - Arrive at some place in Copenhagen and shake hands with someone. Hope he doesn't notice a smell. Turn to photogs and wave. Baboon it in direction of fav photog. Hope they ignore pit stains.

3:05pm - Yank flowers from hands of very, very, unbelievably, shy child. Get in her face to relax her. Grab with man hands to comfort her. Force her mother to later explain a new word 'halitosis' and the concept of boundaries and personal space.

3:06pm - See Daisy's sister or cousin Benedikte in the lobby and force a quick demi-smile in her direction. Turn from her and not talk so as to keep my royal mystique. Wonder why she is here, too. Thank god it's not Joachim's little French pastry.

3:32pm - Suppress oncoming gas by squeezing cheeks together hard. Harder. Damn crisps.

4:00pm - Leave not a moment too soon. Wave like a narcissist with social anxiety disorder. Dive into the car like the room is on fire.

4:01pm - Take off shoes and pop blisters. Finally allow that fart.

4:30pm - Arrive home at same time what's-his-name Frek and what's-his-name Tristan ride up on their goofy bike from school. Wonder what Frex is studying.

5:00pm - Call Per to get new nanny. Saw a kid earlier and she looked dull. Obviously she needs new human stimulation.

5:15pm - Change into trakkie daks from Jane's brood for Chrissie. Get online. Order skin cream, make sure not on awfulplasticsurgery.com, funnel Mary Fonden moolah to ALERKA account, google new Nic Cester photos, & bother Herlufsholm School again for Pops. See if Rob Roy can't write threatening letter to headmaster for easy position and free housing.
5:40pm - Funnel translations of Women's Day and New Idea to the Dumpling for immediate posting onto DRF site. Begrudgingly agree that Marie's birthday should be acknowleged - but just barely!
6:00pm - Log onto Crown Princess Mary of Denmark board. Announce what you've heard from very good sources regarding good news on Mary and her loving husband Fred, in character as an ordinary Danish poster. Plant pregnancy rumours and deny those of Fred's affairs. Notice that Helle & Tanja have also logged on as their characters to shut down truth-y posters and uphold forum martial law.

8:15pm - Hit kitchen for cup of broth and celery stick. Hope the kids are already in bed so I don't have to play with them. Thank god Danes are slow so Italian kitchen can be thoroughly used and enjoyed.

8:20pm - Caroline arrives to help with tweezing in hard to reach places. Ignore Caroline's pleas that she should get home to the kids. They're already in bed, Caroline, you'll stay here, ja?

9:30pm - Call Anja and ask for her help in finding puffy sleeve tops and skinny belts and some of those shoes with the red soles because they are so totally hot now which you can tell because I'm only one wearing them. Ha!

10:00pm - Call Yehudi and ask for update on latest genetic regenerations in his test tubes. Double check no Kate Fischer or Kylie DNA. Can't rely on Frep to be immune to adorable blondes.

10:30pm - Field a call from some whore looking for Frebs. Tell her in English she has the wrong number.

11:00pm - Retire to bed with the new Billed Bladet. Brush away crumbs, hair and toe nail clippings before settling in. Make mental note to maybe take up chambermaid on offer to wash sheets. Decide on an excuse of Sco'ish water-and-detergent frugality.

2:43am - Awake to the sound of Frere arriving home and dancing down the hallway, accidentally entering nannies' suite.

4:15am - Awake to the sound of Fret singing down the hallway to his own room. Make a mental note to add cayenne pepper to his lube.

6:00am - Shit. Another day in friggin Denmark.


Anonymous krisha said...

love the way you write, keep up the work! love reading this mary blog of yours :)

March 02, 2009 6:49 pm  
Blogger time to take a bath, Mary! said...


March 08, 2009 2:59 pm  
Anonymous Bubbles said...

Dear Cece & Hester,
Whatever the reality of Mary & Fred's lives, one has to admit this blog is humorously written. Thanks for the light reading and for making my life seem (comparitively) so normal and real. Write on! Bubbles

May 28, 2009 1:19 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Terrible and unfunny. BLERCH.

May 11, 2011 8:43 am  

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