20 December, 2006

Mary has a moment...momentarily


























Amber,

I'm getting creeped out here. Can you PLEASE try and get hold of Fred (I haven't seen him for days) and tell him to talk to his ma and convince her that I have a FEMININE presque-zizi. It's all girl, OK? All pink. It's really bad for my skin when I hear that Dais has been communicating with those slags on that blog. Can't Fred get the security guys to block the site or something or suing them for defecation of character or whatever you call it? And how about them getting hold of the guy who ran the Star Bar in Sydney, Gavan? What did he tell them about my time as Love Account Manager? And why can't my dad and my step-dumpling hang out with his folks? It's bad for my ego having my side of the family treated as though they aren't just as important and way more classy than a couple of clog wogs - any clog wogs.

I'm feeling isolated and upset, and it's bad for the baby. I am on notice that I have to produce something pretty classy, or Fred 'n me is all out the window. Everything I do those Cece&Hester whores are onto. Best wiggery in the business - black market Romanian hair - and they spot it. I'm supposed to be HOT. That's what princesses are about. How can I show my face in public if I don't look HOT?

Have a bone to pick with you, Amber. You showed up at Centennial Park looking like a slag in a muu-muu thinggy, as per our contractual agreement, trying to make me feel as though you're still the ugly friend. THEN I get to see the makeover glamour pix all over the Tito website. It's just NOT ON for you to look better than I do. Don't make me send over a new contract, cuz this one will definitely not be in your favour, hm? Just tow the line, please.

GOD, I just hate my mother for passing me those early-ageing genes. And why the hell did my grandmother send me all those cruddy little twee cards? It's not MY fault I threw them out. It's HER fault for not having taste. And looking too ordinary! I'm SPECIAL and they have ALL let me down. Including you, Amber.

Oh, shit. Get up, kid. Get up. Dammit. Meeeeeeetttttt-uhhhh! Come get the kid, he fell and he's getting blood all over our non-decorated, stale palace. Oh, crap, look at that cut. Right in the middle of the forehead. Jesus, that's all I need. Now my kid's letting down the side and is going to look like one of those street kids church groups make you send money to to feed. Great, Marie-Chantal and Carina will see this at Chrissytime and know for sure now that I'm not on the same level as them. They're already on to me, I'm afraid. You can't believe what upstarts American girls can be! Look, just keep a closer eye on the kid, Mette, OK?

Anyway, what happened to that forum I was ghosting on all day and all night? Dead as a doornail. There's a new one called Royaldic or something. As in Heraldic. Can you hop on and post some PR for me? I'm too scared to go on the net. I found some weird thing while I was casing around feminine archetypes to get some pointers. It turned out Fred's search history was casing around feminine archetypes too. There's an archetype called the Hideous Damsel who confronts the Dumbling when he's about to achieve success. I had this horrible, horrible sensation Fred is viewing me as a Hideous Damsel. What do I do? You're a bit of a Hideous Damsel aren't you? Are we both? Is it too late? Can I quickly segue into a Princess Anne type or the Queen, I mean the real Queen, of course. But the trouble is Amber I am relying totally on clothes for effect - take away the Prada & the weave and I deflate like one of Fred's fun rubby-rubby dolls. I'm sad! I'm worthless! I installed all those bathrooms and I've found myself on the floor licking the tiles, many times! What's going on in my psyche, Amber????

I need you! Don't desert me! Amber, stop becoming classy and beautiful and contented and studying and being worthy, PLEASE. You just make things WORSE. Why didn't anyone warn me? What has everyone done to me? Why did I mess with my looks? Cece and Hester were right all along - I should have been warm and natural and me, me, not me, me, ME but the real me, the sort of country-type horsey classy girl, kind of no-nonsense, the Scotch Nanny... the Bo-Bo ... oh, why oh why did I crap on about being sporty when I never looked at a stick after school? Why did I tell all those lies? Fred put me up to it, I tell you! I didn't know gold Lurex would make me look like a Love Account Manager. Why didn't Fred know what he wanted and just let me be me? Why can't I just live in a palace and not have to be Queen? I don't want to be Queen. I just want to SHOP. Why can't I choose a nanny and not have a spy-nanny reporting back to Margrethe?

I know what I want! Cece and Hester will guide me. They can do a Trinny and Susanne make-over-the-make-over and reverse me out of this cultural desert and disaster. I'm beginning to think that they're right about Anja. No more wearing curtains! No more witchy-poo hats. NO SMOKED COD. NO ROLLMOPS. NO RICE FUCKING PORRIDGE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. NO FUCKING FROG FATHER-IN-LAW. And Frederik can go take a flying fuck at a doughnut. He can go take a flying fuck at the moooooooooooon......

You still there? What does truth serum taste like? I'm telling you, Daisy must be slipping something into my drink. I'm going to cut her off at the pass - go where she's going. Get those bloggers on side. Bogansons, wha hae! We've lost the battle, but I have a fallback plan. Send that Tui Ha Moti-Poti or whatever that Maori prince boyfriend of yours's name is over. I think we need an ANZAC battle plan, now that the Boganson teeth are in abeyance. I need to learn a Maori HAKA, a big, scary one, that I can do at Margrethe's KUR. I'll show her who's really in charge!

ME

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant once again ladies!! She's coming UNDONE! thanks for another laugh. 2007 will indeed bring a lot of royal entertainment. all bets are on.

January 09, 2007 9:46 am  
Anonymous Diogenes said...

Fabulous, ladies! Thank you! 2007 is going to be veeeeeerrrrryy h-interesting ... ;-)!

January 09, 2007 11:34 am  
Anonymous Leesa said...

You think her parents saw her looker-me personality straight after conception and for that reason gave her the initials ME?

Brillian reading, ladies! And I'm just so inclined to think that it's not just fiction...

Anybody got any pics with ME and Amber on the holiday, perhaps?

January 09, 2007 2:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You refer to new and improved photos of Amber on a website....do share !!

January 09, 2007 9:49 pm  
Blogger Hester said...

Sigh - I had the mag put aside specially for scanning, but I mislaid it. The photos were of Amber at an upmarket (albeit rentacrowd) dinner in eastern sydney, and the mag was I think the monthly 'Wish' put out by one of the broadsheets monthly. She was actually looking classy! I'll try to locate the mag from archives and scan. Unfortunately I don't think they're anywhere on the web...there are some pix of Amber on titoantonio.com.au, indeed she is a feature skank on one of the pages, albeit more clad than most of them...

January 09, 2007 10:58 pm  
Anonymous Leesa said...

Thanks, guys, would be good to see some pal pics of Petty and Mrs Denmark. Haven't seen for ages and they're always such a laugh!

January 10, 2007 12:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Hester. In case anyone else is interested drop the 'au' from the website - the address is: titoantonio.com

Most of the photos are of Amber at a pub drinking...what's new, huh ?

January 10, 2007 2:26 am  
Anonymous sunny said...

The photos of Amber show her at a lot of C/D-list events. Perhaps Mary is jealous as I think she would have been quite ok with this type of lifestyle in Australia and the freedom (and weather) that comes with it.

The question that comes to mind for me is: where does Amber get the cash to frock up for these events (does Brunsdon give her free frocks for everything?), to travel to/from these events, and to keep her dark roots (paritally) covered up ??

Does Prince Le-Mon have a lot of money (well if you count NZ as a hard currency) ?

January 10, 2007 2:35 am  
Anonymous Cassandra said...

I looked on the titoantonio website - gee thanks, now I need to take about 5 Prozacs.

Is THIS what passes for beauty and class in Sydney???

I couldn't find Amber - the whole website depressed me so much I had to close it.

It says a lot that the most interesting and intelligent objects photographed were Paris Hilton and the Oceanarium turtle.

January 10, 2007 10:24 pm  
Blogger Hester said...

Cassandra, if you're on 5 prozacs imagine how Daisy is feeling! I wonder whether the Danish Trade Practices Act covers off on misrepresenting goods and services in the form of a princess!!! If so, she should get Fred done over. For the sake of Denmark!

January 11, 2007 12:20 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cassandra take a 6th prozac and type in amber petty in the search bar. she's there in all her depserate celebrity glory. i agree with whomever said mary is probably quite jealous of ambers' lifestyle as mary would do very well in this wannabe society. d-list freebies right up her alley. mary is out of her league in the royal crowd. maybe the divorce will be a good thing for mary, back to slumming it among the aussies reality stars.

January 11, 2007 5:52 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hester, too late for Fred to get done over. I have a feeling that GOD is going to teach him a lesson he so rightly deserves.

January 11, 2007 6:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL!!An fabulous welcome to 2007.
Hey bloggers :-)
Our Mares has been nominated most sexy babe by australian men´s mag FHM.
After having a look at Elle McPherson´s pics on Billed Bladet(she is also nominated)Perhapa BB should have posted ME´s nipple shots! I´m sure she´ll be most happy about this nomination and will get over her moment.
Cheers,
A fan
xxxx

January 11, 2007 12:39 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's up with Thomas over at Royal Dish? He's suddenly talking about people getting off topic. When did that become an all-important issue at Royal Dish?

January 30, 2007 10:19 am  
Anonymous Thomas said...

It's not. But I have a right to have an opinion as well.

And it is hard to argue against spirits, energies or horoscopes. If people want to discuss that, then RoyalDish will be more than happy to make category for that type of royal discussion.

February 02, 2007 10:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Fred becomes king, will he play the role of Queen while Joachim plays King of the castle? Or will Joachim play the role of Queen if Fred becomes King?

February 03, 2007 9:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How bizarre! Maybe Netty is hacking in!!!

February 03, 2007 11:26 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I came in here there was a meter maid sticking a fine on an illegaly parked broomstick.....

February 05, 2007 10:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey ladies, planning a birthday special?
Cheers,
Jazzy

February 05, 2007 11:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think CP Frederik and Prince Joachim are so fucked up they don't know whether they're gay, bi or total queens!

February 06, 2007 7:17 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I figured out that the so-called royal men marrying commoners are total Queens and the women are their beards!

February 06, 2007 8:44 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just had a thought about Prince Christian: It almost seems as if that baby has been drugged or something...Or perhaps some evil biattch has put a spell on him.

February 06, 2007 8:50 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, when I came in here the Supreme Goddess was kicking the Asses of CP Frederik and Prince Joachim, which they so rightly deserve.

February 06, 2007 11:52 am  

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