A Contemplative Moment
The scene: Mary, sitting alone on a balcony overlooking Wineglass Bay. Just nearby, a little state-of-the-art DVD recorder is set up. The lens is pointing at Mary. Inside, the rest of the Boganson family is sitting around on the floor watching the Australian Idol final; Erin and Kate disagree about it being Damien or Jess who deserves the title. The nanny is putting Christian to bed. All is calm, all is bright.
Frederik is gazing around the room and thinks, "Tralalalala, all those Bogansons are so beautiful! And I'm so witty! Everything looks shiny! I want to dance! Darling... darling... your extra ankle bone's gone. Oh, it's the table leg."
Jane: "What on earth is she doing?"
John Stuart: "While you were doing your compulsory - and not helpful I might add - skin routine just then, she got the shits with us because we wouldn't watch any more replays of her crap, and the kids want to watch Idol. Plus all Fred wanted was to play Monopoly and Sailor Scrabble. He's trying to recreate the Nanoq. 'Cept I can't swear hard enough in Danish. And I can't match his repertoire of international sex acts. What the hell is a buccinator chokehold, anyway?"
Mary (to camera, pouts. Pulls lip up exposing receding gums. Lifts side wings of wig. Looks glum): "I hate my family. I so hate them. Christ, three days! Three freaking days! Managed to shop day 1 and day 2. Now what!? Fred armed himself with rollmops. Fuck their inconsiderate crap! I told them: rollmops. Beer. Whiskey. Bit of porn - you know: fat brunettes, Romanian lady wrestlers, nannies, Mental Health Nurses, old biddies with teeth stained brown, mermaids (the real thing i.e. walruses). Why can't they geddit? Noooooo, they go and get him a frigging porn mag full of blondes. THAT'S all I need. Once he's off dreaming of hair like brass wool next thing he'll be across Bass Strait and confiding in frigging Amber. I had to agree for them to let him out for half an hour. Don't the realise how dangerous that can be? It's like releasing a mental patient! Hmmm - this is a cute angle. (Licks lips)
Anyway, it's harder than I expected. You don't realise how rarefied you become. My skin only touches white Irish linen at home - Egyptian cotton scratches my skin. I told Jane to get fine sheets, and she didn't. Or maybe she's using them herself. Anyway, I didn't realise how much peasants SMELL. I mean, all I smell at home is flowers, scent, orchids and Fred doesn't have any testosterone so he just smells of ice - of various kinds. It's quite clinical actually - the lab smell lingers. Oh, and smoked cod. That's OK, I strike that when I have to go near Daisy. So this is a real hardship post, but all in all a good cause! Seen to be CLOSE-KNIT. Think it's working. Got a quick lift to Melbourne yesterday, in, out, in disguise: without gold shoes, gold sunnies, gold bangles and mica polish all over my skin NO ONE SEES ME. It's a bit of a worry, no one recognises me. Two hours shopping up and down Collins Street - it is tough exercise keeping the jowls tucked up under the chin - and not ONE furtive admiring glance. I even went to Fifteen for lunch and got mistaken for one of the street kids. Shit, bad angle. (adjusts camera to shoot from above) Where was I? Yeah. The stinking peasants. And where the hell did those freckles come from? Freckled niece? That's so bog Irish. Better be Craig's side of the family. I swear if this next baby looks Irish I'll get it swapped. I don't trust that Yehudi - Kate Fischer genes indeed! I've actually been wondering whether Fred and I should do the Africa adoption thing; it's better on one's figure.
Mmmmmm, this contemplation is very good for me. I'm being very spiritual. That's good, and VERY in at the moment. Oh, that reminds me - THE PLAN. On hold for now, dammit. Calm, down, Mary. Do I really want to share the power with those half-lives? They play - and enjoy! - BOGGLE. At least it anaesthetises Frederik and I get to look at him with his eyes closed. He looks like a cross between a gosling and a Martian. He's just kinda off. That's the most frustrating thing for a perfectionist like I am. If only I could just reach in past those pores and do a bit of adult genetic manipulation. In between planning for our fun on the mainland, Hamish told me about epigenetics the other day. I could do that with enough whiskey probably and Per wouldn't blink at a large order of the stuff. I need to soften Fred's bones or something, get him stretched. Photoshopping the pix used to be enough, but trouble with this sort of gig is, you just want more.
Here I am, supposed to be on holiday and I manufacture my own footage. Why should I have to do that? Why don't my family look after me? Do I really want to take over Denmark with THIS crew of losers? Why can't I do what Madonna's doing and have a nice light black baby? My stock would shoot through the roof! 'Course, they'd say it was Snoop Dogg's. Still! I don't want a pudding brat affecting my posture. I mean, the stoop is bad enough, but he's twisting me sideways in addition. It only takes five minutes a week, obviously, because that's all the time I spend holding him. My spine's already out of kilter what with the chin thrust for jowl removal being compensated at my business end by the baboon posture. What's the worst bit of my life at the moment? (Assumes tragic expression) Nuh. Bone structure won't take tragic. Have to stick with smile through bittersweet tears. Must remind Fred he'd damn well better not try some tragic backstory on me. He has a ruthless streak. Talk about the worm turning! He's looking suspiciously happy, little bastard. I misjudged that. He was supposed to recover just enough to become bearable, not actually become good. That makes me FURIOUS, and he knows it. (Bites lip) OK, 24 hours till I hit the shops again.
(Breathes in deeply, exhales slowly) And I HATE goddamn Max Markson. As soon as the Australian Government pulled the plug on me after an audience survey (WHAT audience is what I say!) he has the hide to tell me they're 18 months out from an election and if they pay my way again they'll be kicked out of office. So, that's John Howard I have to hate, too - hate again, aksherly, since I already hate him for loving those pommie royals more than me, er, us. And despite it being so easy, hating people makes my skin bad, and then it's another trip to London for a paste of MixMastered lamb foetuses. Fool me. I could have done the Princess Anne thing - learnt to actually ride a horse, worn scarves around my chin, relaxed in gumboots. Fool me. (Smooths scowl from forehead) I really am a martyr to the cause. What commitment! Looking good! Joan of Arc was tall and wore lots of metal too, just like me. They're of my ilk - the Saint Joans...Marie Thérèse...Diane de Poitiers. Other great beauties have had hard moments: then a smudge of oil paint (they didn't have Photoshop) and history lies for them forever. That's my destiny. Eternal beauty...an eternal flame of my spirit, over the eventual tomb of the Misunderstood Princess. WWDD...What Would Diana Do... (Sighs deeply as befitting a woman with the angst of two entire populaces upon her.)
Jane: "Meeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy! C'mon now, they're about to announce the winner!! Doncha wanna know who it is?"
Mary, to no one in particular: "Well, it's not me, my friend, it's sure as hell not ME."
posted by Hester at 11:20 pm
38 Comments:
'C'mon baby make my day' - you sure made mine, ingenious and hilarious, I larfed so much, had to take a break, contacts fell out - ....smells of ice!!!!!!!!!!love that one, but the whole post is just brilliant.
The angst of one of those nations is that she won't go away, the angst of the other nation is that they can't speak out publically against her! Sheesh.
News is now in that Mary spent most of her time in Melbourne shopping at Southbank and around St. Kilda, South Yarra and Toorak.
Why the heck would you travel so far just to shop !! And why is she only alone with Fred ?? Given she is such a wonderful woman with so many endearing qualities where are all her friends? Not even any confirmation of a rendez-vous with Amber.
Now they are in Sydney. I suppose there will be more reports of shopping in Paddington and Double Bay.
YAWN. I'm not advocating she come to Oz and do charity events - because we don't want to encourage future visits nor allow any sneaky backdoor funding of personal holidays. At the same time, I would expect to see more time with friends or more time seeing the beautiful sites of Australia - not shops and markets !!
Good grief what a shallow couple.
I think the extra ankle bone Fred refers to is an errant gallstone.
Shopping must sooooooooothe Mary's soul, much like these self-recording video sessions. Friends just bring you down and remind you of who you once were.
So, an we count on seeing that print she was feeling at the Hobart market stall whipped into a dress soon by Her Majesty's couturier?
You are right anonies (please make up a name each! There are so many of you!) Prince Zapped to LaLaLand and Princess Jowel-Tuck's shopping obsession and rampant materialism is indicative of souls depleted and deficient, aimlesslessness, directionlessness, friendlessness, lack of integrity, lack of intellect, lack of interests, lack of satisfaction, inanity, banality, and intense, irredeemable not-nice-ness. I'm beginning the think they're beneath bogan. Most bogans do some form of voluntarism, on some front. Here's a pair of takers and fakers.
A little OT, but the talk of the revised pre-nup is interesting. Most are reporting that Mary is worse off and that the DRF is applying lessons learned from Joachim's divorce from Alex. However, maybe this is not the DRF's doing. It sounds like there was a specified lump-sum payment in the old prenup and in the new pre-nup an amount is not defined. So maybe this is Mary's doing, thinking that because she will have produced and heir and a spare and her own delusions about her importance and popularity that she can extract more than the previously-stated lump-sum payment. Also, the changes re her housing in the event of a divorce...well these changes could again be Mary's doing to avoid being stuck in cold Denmark by having more open language that allows her to return in all her glory to Australia. And maybe there is some other horse-trading that we don't know about - ie she'd probably give up access to the kids for more cash and assets.
Of course, I can't see Mary getting a divorce because she loves the limelight and princess dress-up too much. But if she is as delusional and narcissistic as many of us believe she is, then she might think she could be a superstar without the DRF, Fred and the babies and try to make a breakaway and seek celebrity-dom in Australia. So I wouldn't be surprised if the revised pre-nup is Mary's doing and the timing and leaks deliberate so she would be out of the country at the time of the 'leak' and to make it look like she is being disadvantages. I would also guess that Mary is voraciously studying Princess Di's post-Charles moves, weighing up her options and thinking about the best timing.
Cece and Hester, I can't wait to hear your take on the updated pre-nup!
This blog is sooooo incredibly brilliant. Kudos to all the contribrutors. At first I was like she seems quite sophisticated and refreshing for a royal spouse, then I watched this video where (no offence to anyone) she seems to get crocodile tears when talking about her mum and it just seemed really fake, then I delved a little deeper and most things about her were just too sugar coated and fabricated, and well fake. So I wised up. And then I found this blog and you've all already got her worked out.
Laura
Cece, Hester, be sure to share with us the thank-you note you will be sure to receive from the DRF for alerting them to the Boganson tribe's designs on Denmark! They sure owe you! Will you get a reward? A white elephant thinggy? Or will Daisy create something special?
Masquara,
I'm convinced that Per the Hornet visits this blog and gives Daisy the highlights. And both the Hornet, Daisy Mary know HESTER and CECE on a 'first name' basis.
I agree they should get a white elephant thing-y with a blue sash at a minimum. But I'd also suggest that Daisy (who makes all final decisions) make them godparents of the spare heir.
I'd love to see Cece and Hes in all their Australian-designer finery (weather appropriate of course) at the Christening. I reckon they'd put a little more life into the post-Christening reception than the yawn-fest after Christian's day where everyone seemed so uncomfortable and disoriented.
Hell, I wouldn't even mind if the Hornet brokered a deal with Johnnie "the Monarchist" Howard and the Australian taxpayers (I am one) had to pick up the cost of Hes and Cece's flights.
Well, sunny, our goal is just to make sure we don't become war bride candidates for the newly single Freddles, but you're right, we've already got a pretty fun menu, guest list and design concept for the next kiddo's Christ-party. For now, we just keep an eye on our office's rød (red) phone that is a direct line to Amalienborg in case Daisy needs a favour. Mostly she just calls asking for ciggies ...sigh.
What, one wonders, were the DRF up to while Mares and Freddlikins were Down Under? Where's the Galathea, by the way? Was our pint-sized, quart-imbibing sailor helicoptered aboard ship, Fred's one refuge from his bespoke Baba Yaga, manufactured to order by his sad unconscious? Was being freshly pissed on by a Marsupial Bete Noire a warning?
I understand there has been an AMBER ALERT and she was sighted with the royal trio in Rose Bay today. I bet there is a battle going on in the background between Daisy and Mary. Amber was shoved to an obscure pew at the Christening but now our PR pro Mary is being openly seen with her in Australia. Either there has been some horse-trading or Mare has been screwed around with the post-nup and will taken any opportunity now to stuff it up Daisy's nose. Could get interesting....
I just started following Mary and have been opening up my psychic abilities. A few months ago while thinking about Mary, I got this vision that she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I'm thinking that's what led to the revised pre-nup.
Before the internet, the loosers only had one option; Boozing and getting social contact on the bench in the park. But there was no doubt. Everyone could see they were loosers.
Now the loosers can booze/take drugs and hide behind the anonymity of the internet and pretend to be whoever they want to be. But the fact still remains. They are loosers! In reality they are still nothing! They stil have the inability to be social with other people in real life.
The persons running this blog and equally the loosers contributing to it, show just about the ugliest personalities I have ever seen. I really wonder how many of you would dare, if there was a FULL LOOK into, who you are, where you live, your family and how you look in real life. It is easy to hide behind a username. I have no doubt whatsoever, that you would fail the test misserably.
I hope that you in the future, will get a life of your own and that Mary's life will not continue to be a 24hour obsession, as it seems to be on this blog. How else would you find the time? You clearly dream about her too. LOL
Wow! Lots going on... what a goldmine for you guys (Hes and Cece!).
Mary seems to be attracting quite a bit of sympathy over the post-nup story (even non-admirers are starting to cry "poor, abused Mary" and even comparing her to women in the third world who have their clitori removed).
But of all the theories being put forward at this time, I think the most likely one is that Mary was caught out doing something and the DRF took advantage of the transgression to change the pre-nup terms, especially in light of the Joachim-Alex experience.
So the question then is: what did Mary do? Well it could range from as extreme as the new baby is someone else's (she's not that stupid), to catching Fred in a liaison and threatening the DRF, or standing up to the DRF on matters so mild as hanging out with Amber or being seen with her uncle that defended Johncock? The possibilities are endless and we may never know the truth ... but it is fun to speculate !
Cece, must say I was a little surprised to see you come so quickly to Mary's defence on this one. I simply cannot believe that Mary would ever be bullied or do something she did not want to do or that isn't part of a broader 'strategy'.
As for leaaking to the media, I don't buy any of this either. Like the original pre-nup, the amendments have to be filed in a court and the records are eventually public so while she or the DRF can put their own spin on it - the facts are the facts. I would also suggest that as a lawyer, while the pre-nup needs to be filed under Danish law, there is nothing to say there isn't another legal agreement / contract between Mary and Fred or Mary and the DRF that is fully binding and gives Mary an even better deal. Such a side contract is not offically considered a 'pre nup' so won't be in the public record.
It will be interesting to see how Mare and the DRF respond / follow-up after this first round of press. And I'm sure Amber will be asked to speculate in No Idea...but she'll probably just drop a few quotes about how in love the royal couple are and what a perfect little family they are.
Looking forward to reading your take on all of this. I hope your sympathy for Mary doesn't dilute the brilliant sarcasm and wit that characterises this brilliant blog spot.
Leesa, if Mrs Denmark didn't want to be connected with Amber they wouldn't be sited shopping in Melbourne and then out on the harbour yesterday in Sydney. They could have had a private dinner in Amber's apartment or Mary's suite at the hotel. The fact there has been no photos of the duo shopping in Melbourne is because not many people are that interested. I understand that there is film of the excursion on the harbour and it was shown on the television networks Saturday. And I'm sure this week's goss mags will be chockers with photos of the whole damn thing.
have just started looking at net sites of DRF, this one is so clever sorry I did not find it sooner. Also looked at sweetie Mary site it's full of errors concerning Tasmanian public. Most Tasmanian's could not care less obout the whole PR of Mary, a waste of space in the local newspapers.
Sunny, I've been sympa to Mares!? Heavens no (not yet?), let me clear up my posit. I think she had to sign based on her own bad behaviour - not learning Danish and overspending to be the fashion princess. After all, Daisy & Co. knew she was shallow enough to approve of hitching her to Fred; Mares wasn't judged to be any threat. Plus, Mary is not cunning or strong enough to go against a machine that keeps a 1000 year old monarchy alive; she doesn't have a daddykins who can get his own lawyers on the job - instead she's got Jock who prolly tells her not to rock the boat and do what they say lest he no longer has a free soda to slurp. Daisy's head of state and this ain't her first rodeo. Mary might use her sexuality (or whatever the animal attraction!) to emotionally manipulate weakling men who crave scotch nannies, but that's as far as her power goes. I think that this is news to her, proven by the sour face and dumb-struck expressions. And further proof of her bad financial behaviour and therefore more reason for a new marital contract, could be having to shack up chez Jane and fly coach. Icky! That'll teach her to be good!
Moral to the story: don't fuck with the Daisinator!!
Welcome, trinity! Stick around, it keeps getting better. Browse through the archives for more fun. Enjoy! Glad you're here.
Cece, thanks for the elaboration on your position on the post-nup. You and I are on the same page. Country Road is a few steps down from Prah-dah so your theory that spending and inability to learn the language are the crimes...although I'm still hoping for something a little more juicy.
Hey anonymous,
k gets big kudos for being brave enough to post her picture on the web, and confess that she wears crocodile shoes! She was even brave enough to tell the world she has ugly feet! Dear k.
Because of the vision I had of Mary, I think Fred is actually the instigator of this little revision to the pre-nup and not Daisy. I also happen to feel that Fred is working alone on this one; that he is going against Mummy Dearest, et al; and another divorce will be coming to this family much sooner than anyone expects. But when remains to be seen.
thanks for the welcome cece & hester.
i sure will keep looking much more interesting than the TV. I had not given much thought to the DRF to date, a bit of fuss and pic's in the newspaper when they visit Tassie, then off you go home dearie. But this time that picture of HRH with her noes stuck up so far, someone said she would drown in the rain, really p***ed me off.Not to mention did freddie get his supplies free from the "Hill St Grocer" for the publicity of going in person. This store is well known for home delivery.
Keep up the good worke here please.
Do you think one of the sister's is posting anonymously on this page????
Note to moderators and posters rom rb dropping by, of the Mary persuasion: I have no doubt that cece's only rule is that witty and funny posts however snarky will be posted! Banal, inane and dreary posts may well be mocked savagely, but they're unlikely to be censored.
a small amount BUT!!!
In Tasmania
one of mares sisters purchased front row tickets at a cost of $AU400.00+ to a performance at local thertre. No one turned up to sit in the seats??? could it be that camera's were banned. (nothing to do with DRF,privacy policy for several years)no media no DRF?????????
Whaaahoo not a mention of DRF on local evening news today, out of sight out of mind!
Well there are photos of Amber carrying Christian in her arms during the shopping spree (yawn) in Melbourne (see Danish Royal Watchers site). Amber must have some real juice on Mary for girlfriend to allow the ex-Bandido babe to carry the future King of Denmark in public and in the presence of papps ... OR Mary is really really pissed at Daisy over the post-nup changes and this is one of many 'up yours, Marge' that we are gonna see from now on.
Either way, Amber's cashflow is secure for at least one more year, maybe two. Mary has endorsed her, put the rumours to rest that Amber is blacklisted and Amber will be back with a column in No Idea or the Telegraphy by January....
Any chance you can channel Amber and get her thoughts on the latest developments....Pleeeeeze Cece ! Hester !!
Here's my take on the revisions made to the marital agreement:
It's a tale of two brothers going after the same thing, but both have different characters. One has some integrity and the other one is completely ruthless. That is why you will see a difference in the way they treat their exes. The one learned from the other's stupid mistakes and won't be repeating them anytime soon.
Having just been Kendra'd, I'm over here, with pleasure. Hope you'll allow me to add my two krone every once in awhile.
Re what prompted the revised pre-nup: has anyone considered Mary's threat to buy a house "down under" and the DRF's reaction to having the heir spend an increasing amount of time outside Denmark, not to mention the likelihood of Mary breaking the DRF bank balance with her purchase?
Or Mary hanging out with Amber could be a 'get stuffed, Daisy'!
Diogenes - Welcome to the club. Its much warmer and far more wittier here..and no censorship!!
Like Dr. Seuss said : "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
Hope you can stay for a while. The turkey dinner that Cece and Hes are cooking up now promises to be very tasty.
Cece and Hester, what a loverly environment you have created here, it's so damn free and cosy that some annonies from the blue house on the corner can't even resist a look in.....maybe just saying hi! to the Bannedshe's!...and so nice to see Diogenes here too.
Much going on, and Daisy swinging her weight around form behind the scenes, she's not so publically visible now, since the long arm of the law removed her ashtray forcibly.....but her presence is felt, pinning her sewing on top of Annas, and making holes in it to boot, she'll be walking on water next...and is she the mastermind behind the Prenup Part 2?, or did Freddles introduce Mares to the contents of the diplomatic bag to get her to sign on the dotted line, no doubt Cece and Hester will give us the low down - when they have finished doing things with that turkey, I can't wait!
Are you sure she did not buy a house in OZ, after all lots of faamily here and they could have purchased for her.
I am very interested in Anon's comments. The fact is that if Mary wanted to buy property in Australia, she would have to circumnaviagte the law as applied by the FIRB/ Treasury.
Might have been a risk, so maybe she thought Jane would buy the place, only of course, Jane doesn't have the money...except if she got a handout from CPH.
This is exactly how the hand in the cookie jar might have been stuck - ouch!
BTW, am I guessing right that the ruthless brother is twinkly, smiley, dumbass, ordinary bloke Fred? Would not suprise me in the least if so.
Cassandra, ah no. Her hand got caught in another type of cookie jar.
Oh, should have clarified that it was the I Candy cookie jar.
Is this a photo of Mary pre-makeover?? She looks softer and fuller in the face. Nowadays she looks as though she needs the blood of young virgins to survive. *shudder*
I do agree that Mary looked better with a fuller face, and she looked younger too. I'm not up on vampire lore, but wouldn't it be Fred drinking the blood of young virgins?
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