Thanks from the realtor
22 November 2006
To: Jane Stephens
From: Jinky Tuckerman
This is just a line to thank you for the opportunity to locate and modify a roomy, spacious home for your family's needs. Thank you for the offer of an advertising opportunity for us in exchange for a discount on the fee: alas, our marketing department is centralised and the Sydney office for some reason are not keen. We do apologise, that's out of our control. Your ideas were marvellous - and indeed, if we were able to give the go-ahead for orthodontic fixups for all of Mary's nieces and nephews for the barbecue footage (with Mary and Frederik superimposed) we certainly would have!
If you have any problems with the built-in extras (wall vacuum for extraneous hair-drop) don't hesitate to let me know. I'm sure this new abode with its specified "high ceilings" will be a wonderful change from your former brick one-level that so insufficiently did not allow for "light to enter in" (as opposed to "eyes to peer in" - we understand the ironic instructions completely, no worries).
It was no mean feat acquiring a house with a glass see-though foyer, floor-to-ceiling glass walls and aspects to several adjoining balconies while STILL enabling privacy for prep time, let me tell you! I guess I shouldn't have mentioned that to you! We DID say at the time that it's a contemporary design... and a very upmarket establishment for Hobart, but now that you've paid our fee I can let you know we were actually issued instructions from other quarters. That post-modern purply look with little curved embellishment over the porch is in fact an aesthetic circa 1988. We were instructed to ensure that nothing truly contemporary or upmarket was to be provided, and that "see-through is the driver". My instructor - whose identify was never given to me - had a strange, sing-song lilt to her voice and every so often dropped a side-line that took me by surprise, like "godamn that Jane how can I stop her AGEING and still let the LIGHT through, bad look for ME if she's an old CROW but I need that attention". I think, Jane (now that we have our fee), sibling rivalry is never sated, no matter HOW far up and down the ladder, poles apart, the sibs end up. (I know - my husband's sister Nancy Tuckerman was Jackie Kennedy's private secretary - but that's another story).
(There is a chapter of Attention Seekers Anonymous in Hobart, but that's outside my ken and in any case, Jane, now that we have our fee I can mention, I'm sure your family became aware of that a long time ago!)
I think it's terrific that the Danish Government paid for the privacy screens we've installed for you now that you comprehend that all that glass is NOT for your family's enjoyment, but a passing fancy for Tasmania's favourite daughter.
Remember the first Gulf War? The Kuwaitis on camera boasting they were eating just one chocolate from a box and throwing the rest away? Now you'll start to get the picture.
The cocaine humidor will need to be returned to my office after the visit - I've had a call from a Danish boat that's docking soon - they said they've been asked to acquire one, and they had been told to fetch it from me. But your youngest sister is not to be told. As you've discovered, we will go to any lengths for a prime client!
Thanks once again!
Account Manager, Westie Hobo-bart quartier