24 November, 2006

Thanks from the realtor

22 November 2006

To: Jane Stephens
From: Jinky Tuckerman

Dear Jane,

This is just a line to thank you for the opportunity to locate and modify a roomy, spacious home for your family's needs. Thank you for the offer of an advertising opportunity for us in exchange for a discount on the fee: alas, our marketing department is centralised and the Sydney office for some reason are not keen. We do apologise, that's out of our control. Your ideas were marvellous - and indeed, if we were able to give the go-ahead for orthodontic fixups for all of Mary's nieces and nephews for the barbecue footage (with Mary and Frederik superimposed) we certainly would have!

If you have any problems with the built-in extras (wall vacuum for extraneous hair-drop) don't hesitate to let me know. I'm sure this new abode with its specified "high ceilings" will be a wonderful change from your former brick one-level that so insufficiently did not allow for "light to enter in" (as opposed to "eyes to peer in" - we understand the ironic instructions completely, no worries).

It was no mean feat acquiring a house with a glass see-though foyer, floor-to-ceiling glass walls and aspects to several adjoining balconies while STILL enabling privacy for prep time, let me tell you! I guess I shouldn't have mentioned that to you! We DID say at the time that it's a contemporary design... and a very upmarket establishment for Hobart, but now that you've paid our fee I can let you know we were actually issued instructions from other quarters. That post-modern purply look with little curved embellishment over the porch is in fact an aesthetic circa 1988. We were instructed to ensure that nothing truly contemporary or upmarket was to be provided, and that "see-through is the driver". My instructor - whose identify was never given to me - had a strange, sing-song lilt to her voice and every so often dropped a side-line that took me by surprise, like "godamn that Jane how can I stop her AGEING and still let the LIGHT through, bad look for ME if she's an old CROW but I need that attention". I think, Jane (now that we have our fee), sibling rivalry is never sated, no matter HOW far up and down the ladder, poles apart, the sibs end up. (I know - my husband's sister Nancy Tuckerman was Jackie Kennedy's private secretary - but that's another story).

(There is a chapter of Attention Seekers Anonymous in Hobart, but that's outside my ken and in any case, Jane, now that we have our fee I can mention, I'm sure your family became aware of that a long time ago!)

I think it's terrific that the Danish Government paid for the privacy screens we've installed for you now that you comprehend that all that glass is NOT for your family's enjoyment, but a passing fancy for Tasmania's favourite daughter.

Remember the first Gulf War? The Kuwaitis on camera boasting they were eating just one chocolate from a box and throwing the rest away? Now you'll start to get the picture.

The cocaine humidor will need to be returned to my office after the visit - I've had a call from a Danish boat that's docking soon - they said they've been asked to acquire one, and they had been told to fetch it from me. But your youngest sister is not to be told. As you've discovered, we will go to any lengths for a prime client!

Thanks once again!

Yours sincerely,

Account Manager, Westie Hobo-bart quartier


Blogger leesa said...

The construction work must have been a PAIN because everything had to be dragged up Mount Everest where Janey's 'hyggelig' lil house stands; was wondering how they could afford it! And it does seem all brand new. - Those glass doors are a blessing for a voyeur in the street, or journos in particular. I'm sure they were there to ensure maximum privacy for Mrs Denmark, but why does it seem such a contradiction, one wonders...

November 26, 2006 2:09 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An unkind person might surmise that the house is intended for our Posh Spice Meets Her Match In the Bogan Stakes in due course....certainly gauging from the Crown Prince of Denmark's drying-out, conveniently labelled a family visit, that couple don't have much fun together without the humidor and someone to look after baby for a LOOOONG chill-out and sleep-in.

November 26, 2006 3:35 pm  
Blogger leesa said...

That thought of the humidor really amuses me! And it sounds so crazy that it most like will be true.

November 26, 2006 4:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone have the address of Jane's house? Public records can then be used to reveal the price paid and when. Or, is the house only being leased?? I'm sure Danish and Aussie tax payers alike would like to be assured that their hard-earned tax dollars have NOT been misappropriated in any way. Then again, where are the security staff staying and who is paying for that? What about all the vehicles that have been referred to: 4WDs, Audi's, etc. and, of course, the flights themselves of the family, the entourage and also the fly-ins by John Sr. and Jr. Hmm. something doesn't smell right to me.

November 26, 2006 6:35 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any clues on where the will stay in Sydney ? Amber is in Melbourne now, isn't she. And besides, there wouldn't be much room in her studio flat.

November 26, 2006 6:36 pm  
Blogger Cece said...

Anony, read somewhere once that Freddles has Per call ahead to his destinations en route to make sure an appropriate late-model Audi or some such is always fully tanked and ready to roll. Surely a call to the Hobart Audi dealerships would expose the payback for not having to pay the gas bill with a little tour of "Jane's" humidor before it heads back to the Galathea...

Maybe Amber will have new, fab digs soon, too, since M&F're a-comin' to the mainland!

November 26, 2006 6:48 pm  

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