15 November, 2006

Be-Weave it

Fra: Anja Nielsen stylebabe@ blindchic. dk
Til: Søren Hedegaard klipit@ weavemagik. dk
Sendt: 15. november 2006
Emne: Coordinate!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!! What the hell are you doing!?

Jeez, sorry, Søren. Guess who I've been staving off all morning? She kept yelling something about how that purple pencil skirt I sent her off to the cancer grieving seminar in yesterday brought out her rather substantial quadriceps. She didn't like it when I remarked that was a helluvan impossible task to mask them and I was TRYING MY BEST and it's not even my fault why don't you take it up with Yehudi whose hormonal formulas to get you preggers again did this so get out of my face with your spittle! Man, I'm starting to see why Frederik checks out so often and dives for the scotch. God, if she would only stop calling me fuckface!

But look, Søren, we really need to coordinate. I know I get no slack for sending Miss Thing out in n'importe quoi everyday, but it's in an effort to figure out if there is any look on the planet that would work on her. I mean, any culture, any climate, any era, any fabric, any fashion statement, loud, quiet or shrilling like the lady herself. Look, it's HARD. I've been doing this for nearly four years now and obviously NOTHING works, and I'm starting to worry that I'm running out of ideas and I can only recycle the crap she wore before she got to Europe so much. At least on those togs the fabric content is such that it has a half-life of like, a billion years. So her white tank tops, Hush Puppy low heels and jeans with the metre-long cuffs are going to outlive our grandkids and Armeggedon both. You can see what I'm up against. At least I was finally able to throw away that awful blue nylon rucksack she used to use as a purse.

It's bad enough Queen Rania goes out stylishly in the same suit my little missy insisted on wearing with a purple flower pot for her portrait unveiling. Looking like a dope I must add. Then some gorgeous Hollywood starlet gets photographed wearing what Mary insists on peacocking around in. Never mind that I've told Mary that their job is to wear an outfit hot off the seamstress's table, and her job is to look like she doesn't care. Then there's "that total looker me BITCH" in Spain as I'm contractually obligated to call the Princess of Asturias who rocks Mary's 4300 kroner Hugo Boss print better as a skirt. And last but not least, Caroline de Monaco - who gets it! - is seen in the Prada dress with blue flowers and looks a million times better than Sister Mary who insisted on the top with military hem and red flowers. Does she listen to my admonitions about her bull neck or lack of waist? Nooooooooooo. Go ahead and buy it Mary, you'll see! I mean, my hands are tied as far as damage control is concerned. I've already got the lady-in-waiting wearing every shade of gray in order to look like the church mouse when they're out and about, and then there you go with the righteous red hair dye, man!

So you can see how my around-the-world stylings for our girl are completely clashing with your insistance on the feathered "wings" and unkempt ends of your new cut for our girl. What's the obsession with the original Charlie's Angels? Yes, better Jaclyn Smith than Farrah Fawcett, but still! Mary's not going to age as well as those ladies, instead taking the Kate Jackson meets Vera de Milo route like her sisters. Look, I know you gave her hair extensions for the appearance of fullness that her lack of proper & self-produced pregnancy hormones won't provide. Good save. But it's a definite look and it's clashing with my attempts to tone down the iron thighs, hockey calves, wrestler torso and rugby biceps. AND she's been picking at them, which further complicates any attempt I may make to bring a patina of "ladylike elegance" to Herr Geldstein's favourite genetic accelerator. Did you get a load of her at the WHO conference? Up there on stage in a killer suit - thankyouverymuch - and trying desparately to replant the track and tuck it under the top layers so that the power of the suit is COMPLETELY NEGATED and she looks like a C-grade MTV "starlet". Look, ixnay on the 'stensions, Søren, or you've GOT to at LEAST change out her shampoo. She gives Ziggy a run for the money in the scratching department. And just as we've gotten her to stop playing with the presque-zizi at state banquets. Baby steps.

Please know that I sympathise with you. You're up against a LOT. You've got to tone down the chinny chin chin, the new modified ski jump, the unsynchronised eyeballs, the saggy eye lids, the Adam's apple and the pursed lips, but at least you're not her make-up artist! So we're both up between a rock and a hard place, but could you at the minimum help me out and at least get a better glue for the damn weave? Why not just super-high doses of Rograine, or has Yehudi exempted that until the child's gender is determined? I'm hopeful too that he can somehow pull a rabbit out of a hat and produce a real girl child! Though I have my doubts - did you see Mary manhandle that bottle of pop when they were at the EU in Brussels? Surely that wasn't the only freebie that they were both going on and on about receiving down there?

Speaking of being man-handled, how is the epilatory consultant doing? I heard she was finally checked out of hospital. Have the bruises gone away? How's her neck? Gosh, I hope there's no permanent scarring. I'm still surprised Mary erupted that way, but I suppose an intervention for extraneous hair is a pretty embarrassing thing to be confronted with. Didn't she see the photos from Stockholm? I was too scared to show her, but surely someone did? You're the hair guy, why didn't you do it? Frederik did warn us she'd act like that, but I really thought what we organised was the right thing to do, didn't you? I must say though, it was fascinating seeing her take that woman in an impressive adductor chokehold just like the crown prince said she did to him back at her place during the Olympics. Wouldn't trade having seen that sight for the world!

Burn this.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughed so hard thought my pants 'ud never dry!! I don't believe I have ever read anything quite as funny as this blog. Keep up the good work! Princess Thighmaster. Adductor chokehold bwaaahaaahaaa. Thanks C & H

November 15, 2006 1:46 pm  
Blogger Cece said...

Urination is the best kind of endorsement. Thanks! Keep drinking those fluids. Keeps the thighs loosened and ready to spring on unsuspecting and uncooperative folk who prove immune to the usual charms!

November 15, 2006 5:43 pm  
Blogger leesa said...

Thank you so much for a fresh whatsit-they-call-it! Love the see new things here. - It's despicable how they try to dress poor LIW as mousy as possible, but guess it's the only way to go with the boss she has. Must be awful when you outshine your boss, obsessed with looking good, even wearing a brown bag on your head. It's hard to get it right when the basis lacks every bit of foundation to build on.

November 15, 2006 6:24 pm  
Anonymous cassini said...

In light of Mare's proven athletic prowess , perhaps Prince Fred (as the soon to be Danish IOC candidate) should push for a sport that would best suit her obvious physical attributes “ Olympic Mud Wrestling “ I’m sure any practice sessions with Caroline would be a sell-out and could help fund his next ROLEX 40 Challenge assault.

Keeping the Olympic Dream Alive !

November 15, 2006 6:54 pm  
Blogger Hester said...

I think they decided the mauve skirt was safe for Mary to wear now, because the increased Atlas-esque thigh-bulge and (struggling) maternal bump lessens the likelihood that the presque-zizi will be unmasked again in all its thrust and power...

November 16, 2006 12:58 am  
Blogger leesa said...

Hester, do you think M was trying to save some money for Fred's booze or fags (whatever they may contain) by purchasing the Prada top only? - I'm assuming she only purchased the top as it's actually a suit with a matching skirt. Trust M to mess that one up, too.

November 16, 2006 1:29 am  
Anonymous Kenocchio said...

Difficult to mask the brick shit house contours, - wasn't the muscle/brawn/jogging/sailing....the glue that stuck them together, the Amazon image, buried now, and replaced, by paltry attemps at the sylph image, and now another bun in the proverbial oven, making the whole torso sag, bulge, and go south, the price to pay for gilded doors, high ceilings, and a soak of a husband. She's going to have to try hard, our Mares, with her two sisters as templates, the future looks bleak, hormones, bangs, and the knife, in copious quantities!

November 16, 2006 7:40 am  
Anonymous kitty said...

Click on the "pursed lips" hotlink! Is that a moustache Mares is sporting!!? Whoa, she really shouldn't have thigh-locked the epilatory consultant and instead taken some direction.

I can just see Mares sitting feet up in the palace, reading another rosy article in Billed Bladet, having Soren re-glue the hair extensions, with a white creamy dipilatory moustachio on her face!!!

November 16, 2006 9:43 am  
Blogger Cece said...

Kitty, are you sure that the creamy residue atop Mary's upper lip wasn't just Frederik's pleasure from the latest buccinator chokehold to a lower part of his anatomy in order to pry away the Black Amex? Those scotch nannies are irresistible to a man of Freddie's condition! Or is it scotch ninnies?

November 16, 2006 10:02 am  
Anonymous Cassini said...

Cece, I'm sure we can attribute Fred's recent "wasted demeanor" to the charitable donation made by Snoop & Associates at the recent MTV after party. We should also take this opportunity to remind Fred -
" Do not operate any heavy equipment when using this medication "

November 16, 2006 10:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'Heavy equipment' of course not referring to Frederik operating equipment of his own...

November 17, 2006 12:43 am  
Anonymous Cassini said...

A short review of the UN tapes indicate all Mare's could probably hope for Fred would be to " Maintain upright posture & Coherent monosyllable responses "

Clearly still at cruise altitude!


November 17, 2006 6:19 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mary knew damn well what was going on with Fred's darting eyeballs and inability to be present. We've all seen it in alleyways, game halls, backstreets, clubs...

November 17, 2006 9:25 pm  
Anonymous Masquara said...

2001 article on Fred: "This troubled, thrill-seeking persona seemed far removed from the smart, fashionably dressed prince who sat through the opening of an international conference on drugs in sport in Copenhagen this week. He admirably feigned interest, in a display worthy of the British royals."
'Feigned interest' in an anti-drugs conference indeed! :(

November 17, 2006 9:48 pm  
Anonymous Kenocchio said...

Cece, Hester, come back - all is forgiven!!
There's a very private, public visit in progress at the moment, our 'looker me' bird posing behind glass in sises place, Freddums rushing to the deli for a bite to eat....love to hear your comments!!

November 23, 2006 7:55 am  
Blogger Cece said...

No worries, Kennochi, we've got a couple of things brewing including a lead on a text message from Mary to Markson thanking him for the photogs at the airport and sending over a "reporter". She seems especially grateful for the Fred as Regular Joe stunt whereby Fred seems to go to the grocery store like an ordinary bloke. We're currently editing out all the obscenities. Stay tuned!

November 23, 2006 9:58 am  
Anonymous sunny said...

Excellent to hear you and Hes are on the case. One other area worth some investigative reporting: what is with Jane's new house? is West Hobart a posh suburb? who paid for it? do Mares and Freddie really own it? do Mares and Freddie get to use the Master while sis and hubby sleep on the couch? All sorts of fodder in this one!! Wheeeeee!!!

November 24, 2006 12:12 am  
Anonymous Masquara said...

In the meantime: Don't you just love the wig bits flying everywhere - anchored to order with some sort of superglue. Looks like Croatian or Romanian gypsy tresses, bought by the stylist desperates in a backstreet market from some unfortunate streetkid. She looks like an old Nimbin hippy whose best days ran out in 1976. The wiggists no doubt didn't foresee that Mary would be out and about without running a comb through 'her' hair. Another shot features Mary's real chin - the sole occasion where she's forgotten to stick her tongue up behind her front teeth and get the little incipient jowel-middle up and out of sight...

November 24, 2006 12:52 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fred has reportedly disappeared a few times in Hobart for several hours at a time to an 'undisclosed' location. I wonder if he is with the real estate agents and they are buying a place in Hobart and will visit even more regularly? Or maybe Fred just started feeling sick to his stomach and had to get out of the house because Mary was laying it on so thick with her family.

November 25, 2006 12:22 pm  
Anonymous Masquara said...

Well, you know, members of the sort of circle Fred hangs out with (such as his Christmas party pals) don't even have to head into a back alley these days to find a like-minded recreationalist to 'chat' with!!

November 25, 2006 2:35 pm  
Anonymous Cassini said...

Perhaps, Fred just had to get away for a bit and " Talk dirty with his Sailing mates "
Or maybe he justs needs time to work out how he's going to get Mares and the kid back on a plane to Denmark. I don't envy his position. Maybe now is the time to consider a Diplomatic posting in Sydney. The only downside being Fred's days at work would need to be greater than the 100 days he currently puts in each year!


November 25, 2006 5:26 pm  
Anonymous Kenocchio said...

One can safely assume that the 100 days are not your average 8 hour stint performed by the 'common' contingency, ie: those that keep his Black Amex topped up, so that HRBoganess can indulge herself...no, more honestly, 50 days would be accurate, money for old rope as they say!

November 25, 2006 9:45 pm  
Anonymous Cassini said...

Presenting bravery awards to SAS troops in a uniform covered with medals & awards from his mum takes guts. Has the man any self respect of personal pride? Situations like these must cost a lot in therapy sessions and prescriptive medications.

November 26, 2006 9:49 am  
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November 29, 2006 5:18 pm  

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