Be-Weave it

Fra: Anja Nielsen stylebabe@ blindchic. dk
Til: Søren Hedegaard klipit@ weavemagik. dk
Sendt: 15. november 2006
Emne: Coordinate!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!! What the hell are you doing!?

Jeez, sorry, Søren. Guess who I've been staving off all morning? She kept yelling something about how that purple pencil skirt I sent her off to the cancer grieving seminar in yesterday brought out her rather substantial quadriceps. She didn't like it when I remarked that was a helluvan impossible task to mask them and I was TRYING MY BEST and it's not even my fault why don't you take it up with Yehudi whose hormonal formulas to get you preggers again did this so get out of my face with your spittle! Man, I'm starting to see why Frederik checks out so often and dives for the scotch. God, if she would only stop calling me fuckface!

But look, Søren, we really need to coordinate. I know I get no slack for sending Miss Thing out in n'importe quoi everyday, but it's in an effort to figure out if there is any look on the planet that would work on her. I mean, any culture, any climate, any era, any fabric, any fashion statement, loud, quiet or shrilling like the lady herself. Look, it's HARD. I've been doing this for nearly four years now and obviously NOTHING works, and I'm starting to worry that I'm running out of ideas and I can only recycle the crap she wore before she got to Europe so much. At least on those togs the fabric content is such that it has a half-life of like, a billion years. So her white tank tops, Hush Puppy low heels and jeans with the metre-long cuffs are going to outlive our grandkids and Armeggedon both. You can see what I'm up against. At least I was finally able to throw away that awful blue nylon rucksack she used to use as a purse.

It's bad enough Queen Rania goes out stylishly in the same suit my little missy insisted on wearing with a purple flower pot for her portrait unveiling. Looking like a dope I must add. Then some gorgeous Hollywood starlet gets photographed wearing what Mary insists on peacocking around in. Never mind that I've told Mary that their job is to wear an outfit hot off the seamstress's table, and her job is to look like she doesn't care. Then there's "that total looker me BITCH" in Spain as I'm contractually obligated to call the Princess of Asturias who rocks Mary's 4300 kroner Hugo Boss print better as a skirt. And last but not least, Caroline de Monaco - who gets it! - is seen in the Prada dress with blue flowers and looks a million times better than Sister Mary who insisted on the top with military hem and red flowers. Does she listen to my admonitions about her bull neck or lack of waist? Nooooooooooo. Go ahead and buy it Mary, you'll see! I mean, my hands are tied as far as damage control is concerned. I've already got the lady-in-waiting wearing every shade of gray in order to look like the church mouse when they're out and about, and then there you go with the righteous red hair dye, man!

So you can see how my around-the-world stylings for our girl are completely clashing with your insistance on the feathered "wings" and unkempt ends of your new cut for our girl. What's the obsession with the original Charlie's Angels? Yes, better Jaclyn Smith than Farrah Fawcett, but still! Mary's not going to age as well as those ladies, instead taking the Kate Jackson meets Vera de Milo route like her sisters. Look, I know you gave her hair extensions for the appearance of fullness that her lack of proper & self-produced pregnancy hormones won't provide. Good save. But it's a definite look and it's clashing with my attempts to tone down the iron thighs, hockey calves, wrestler torso and rugby biceps. AND she's been picking at them, which further complicates any attempt I may make to bring a patina of "ladylike elegance" to Herr Geldstein's favourite genetic accelerator. Did you get a load of her at the WHO conference? Up there on stage in a killer suit - thankyouverymuch - and trying desparately to replant the track and tuck it under the top layers so that the power of the suit is COMPLETELY NEGATED and she looks like a C-grade MTV "starlet". Look, ixnay on the 'stensions, Søren, or you've GOT to at LEAST change out her shampoo. She gives Ziggy a run for the money in the scratching department. And just as we've gotten her to stop playing with the presque-zizi at state banquets. Baby steps.

Please know that I sympathise with you. You're up against a LOT. You've got to tone down the chinny chin chin, the new modified ski jump, the unsynchronised eyeballs, the saggy eye lids, the Adam's apple and the pursed lips, but at least you're not her make-up artist! So we're both up between a rock and a hard place, but could you at the minimum help me out and at least get a better glue for the damn weave? Why not just super-high doses of Rograine, or has Yehudi exempted that until the child's gender is determined? I'm hopeful too that he can somehow pull a rabbit out of a hat and produce a real girl child! Though I have my doubts - did you see Mary manhandle that bottle of pop when they were at the EU in Brussels? Surely that wasn't the only freebie that they were both going on and on about receiving down there?

Speaking of being man-handled, how is the epilatory consultant doing? I heard she was finally checked out of hospital. Have the bruises gone away? How's her neck? Gosh, I hope there's no permanent scarring. I'm still surprised Mary erupted that way, but I suppose an intervention for extraneous hair is a pretty embarrassing thing to be confronted with. Didn't she see the photos from Stockholm? I was too scared to show her, but surely someone did? You're the hair guy, why didn't you do it? Frederik did warn us she'd act like that, but I really thought what we organised was the right thing to do, didn't you? I must say though, it was fascinating seeing her take that woman in an impressive adductor chokehold just like the crown prince said she did to him back at her place during the Olympics. Wouldn't trade having seen that sight for the world!

Burn this.

Anja