Nipplemania

Meeeeeerrrrrryyyyyy! What in the mammary glands is going on here, young lady? Did you really think we wouldn't notice this!? A white brassiere under a black stretch top!? Are we forgetting our crown princessly ways and reverting to old pub-crawling, used-car salesman-trawling habits? Thinking that a view of the undies is sexy and tantalising? Like with the hot pink brassiere at the Slip It In for your first meeting/shag, the white lace bra for your first kiss, the purple bra for your "fiskkutter!" declaration in Skagen? I mean, arncha climbing the fence from manicured sexy lawns and falling head-first into the unkempt skanky yard? Still on that downward slope opposite Amber's ascending trajectory and thus confusing "sexy" with "skanky"/"crack whore sobered up for the VIP entry with paps" (paps NOT referring to the pregnancy exam requiring NO underwear), and confusing that peek-a-boo even further by utilising granny undergarments? What's going on - too many "scotch nanny" mutterings in Freddums's sleep got you confused? Look, would you want Fred going out to a party with his man buttons on display? Have you learned nothing? Girl, please. Once again, with feeling, but LISTEN UP THIS TIME.

It is one of the characteristics of a truly elegant and well-presented woman that she has her lingerie in control, invisible and flattering to her body type. It is as important as good posture, a sincere smile and clean & mended, if not expensive, clothing. All women should have their underwear figured out by age 35. You're creeping up there, girl, less than five months to go.

We have all seen the horrors of VPL (visible panty line), back boobs even on skinny gals, slipping bra straps, purposely exposed bra straps , runs in stockings, cellulite dimples exposed by tight and light-coloured trousers and bumpy, seamed or lacy bras poking through tight knits on many other women without ever thinking that we ourselves commit such gaffes, except YOU ARE ONE OF THE WORST OFFENDERS. It is the wearing of, ahem, one's party hats that attracts the attention of the men around you: at the office, in the shops, at a restaurant, etc. One's love buttons are not just another parcel of skin being squeezed and/or protruded by ill-fitting undergarments and dropping temperatures. No, Mares, the nipple is an erogenous zone hors catégorie. We could waste our time arguing that it is, like the swollen mammary gland it sits on, just another part of the body. That it is the gateway to sustenance for our precious offspring. That for Pete's sake, even men have them, so... so what? None of that matters when even a plain woman known around the office as hard-working and serious, is selling raisins under a slim fitting knit top. No, Mary, she will be seen as the office mattress. Even the most respectful, feminist male will - without even willing the feeling - have totally eroticised his colleague, undressed her and taken her against the copy machine. In his mind only to be sure, lest he be slapped with harrassment charges or worse. Men are, after all, men. This was ok for you back in the day, but you are now a FREAKING FUTURE QUEEN, chickie. "Demure" is the order of the day, not "baby wanna buy mama a bourbon with a beer chaser?".

To minimize the impact of one's high beams, if that is indeed the route chosen, and IT SHOULD BE FOR YOU, Mary, the proper brassiere must be employed. Padded bras per se are for selling the breasts, for making them appear larger and perkier than they do when they are not on stage. As a married woman, surely I don't have to remind you THAT YOU ARE NOT SELLING IT ANYMORE. There are however many styles which provide a layer of padding all over the cup that is too thin to add dimension to one's poitrine, but just enough so that the girls appear to be at ease even if they are all wound up and squealing with excitement (or freezing). There is also a brand of undy called Spanx that was made just for the girl with extra mushy bits on her tummy, hips, bottom and thighs. And brassieres to guarantee no back boobs or bumpy hardware showing through. There is video out there of you, Mares, with your jiggly bits moving around here and yon. Oh, oh, think you're too skinny to have globby bits!? Get a three-way mirror, then see the truth. The jello-shake is not so much about weight, but definitely about age, so even if the former is stationary, the latter is forever creeping up.

And please don't think "but I live in nudie Denmark" is an excuse. You are not just any other Karen Grovsen who can strip down to her panties in Rosenborg park for some UV rays. I mean, for pete's sake, sister, can you not see how strange it is for people that you wear a bikini to the beach, yet cover up against the paps and the sun with a full-length bathrobe at the beach? Would you please put some thought into reconciling the confusing messages you are sending out!? And the bra-with-tank-top look should be kept to the privacy of your boudoir from now on, thank you very much.

If you are done with dental floss up your butt as the only way to eliminate VPL, and you should be after breaking prime butt floss rules by wearing a CROCHET skirt over yours, check out the boy cut hipsters. Yes, it will be unable to contribute to the appearance of curves on your manly physique, but then, only Fred, if he's unlucky, will be seeing you in such a state. BUT, it provides a convenient foil for the presque-zizi! You could talk to some drag queens about what they use to fold and tuck. But I don't think anything can be done about the bullneck or man hands.

LOOK. There is an undergarment for every piece of clothing, OK? It's discouraging that a crown princess can't even figure that out by herself, but the good news is that you can achieve an almost flawless figure (NO undergarment can cut you a waist, though), no matter your size or body fat percentage. So, go on, Mare, have a sandwich just as Yehudi suggests for better conceiving chances, you can always shove it into some Spanx later on.