Bogans 101

BOGANS: An Anthropological Study

Full Anthropological analysis : Maximumus Tightblackjeanus Withmulletus.

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Melbourne Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra’s outer suburbs), the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney), the Bevan (Bribane) and Tasmania's contribution, the Chigger, and not just cuz it makes you itch. They are usually of Anglo Irish breeding stock and are generally found around the lower two rungs of the “Latham Ladder” trying desparately to get to the next one only to be beaten off by better educated WASPs and people of NESP (non-English speaking) backgrounds. They have no real tangible aspirations in life apart from feeling part of the Bogan Clan, having a full pack of Winfields, a box of JB Cans, a Holden Commodore in the driveway, and an attitude you could cut with a gun shearer’s blade. The typical lair of a bogan will have a full on JB Hi Fi/Video system, a well stocked frij (drinks & Jenny Craig food modules only) a show-piece pine wall unit with mirror, flimsy bought on tick tables etc, frilly bed covers, lots of dork mirrors, big fluffy toys, posters of banal pop & movie stars (or even worse, themselves & older Bogans may have a poster of the “King” = Elvis), walls/doors with holes punched/kicked in them and the only book in the lair will be the yellow pages with all the “Car Wrecker” pages heavily dog eared/marked. The place will have a foul odour which is a mix of fat from grilled lamb chops, cheap perfume and clothes with a high bacteria count as they were left stacked up on top of the machine for 4 days when wet & never dried properly. Occasionally there may be an acoustic guitar with 4 of the 6 strings left and some Bogans now have computers so that they can communicate with other Bogans for “Cyber S@x” and “clandestine meetings” outside of their own clan.

It is believed the initial Melbourne population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Frankston and Dandenong. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Footscray and further Western regions. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early ’90s onwards. The situation reached a critical juncture, with Bogans rarely sighted in Melbourne, and those remaining clinging to the region’s outskirts. As of the year 2000, the species has been now declared officially endangered, although Kath & Kim re-runs will never allow the species to die out completely.

Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a “mullet” (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight, black denim covering on the hind limbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

In this day and age when the blue-collar Bogan can make more money as an electrician, roofer or plumber than his white collar equivalent, there is now the emergence of a new sub-species of Bogan called the "cashed-up bogan" or CUB. Cubbies may live in McMansions, but they still serve up baked beans and beer at supper time. Crown Princess Mary of Denmark is the patron saint of female Cubbies which proves you can never be too rich, too tacky, or too badly dressed, as long as you are true to the Bogan Clan.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the colour is usually “stonewash”. In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of denim to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off"/"easy-in-easy-out" effect. Physical appearance includes looking ridden hard and hung up wet, despite layers of make-up applied in an attempt to look healthy.

Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called “ugg-boots.” While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional “shopping malls”, where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds. After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known “Taverns” where they consume large amounts of a liquid called “Bourbon.”

There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium-density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased “cargo pants” and attempted to integrate themselves in Melbourne’s mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated. Some older males buy Harley Davidson motor cycles and become involved with other anti social groups who have ancestors linked to the first 18th c. fleets of jetsom from Portsmouth & Mersyside.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts by the Federal Government have included the development of a new artificial habitat in outer Melbourne named “Sunbury”, but it seems this area may be too close to civilised air travel to attract large numbers of the species. More successful has been an enclosed breeding program in Canberra called “Summernats”, which takes place annually at the National Exhibition complex in Watson. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality. Authorities recently introduced a V8 Supercar race with similar results, and have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief national visit early next year.

Footnotes: Taxonomy record needs to be revised considerably here: there is a thriving bogan population in eastern Sydney, due to adaptation by the species and crossbreeding. Prominent examples are Amber Petty and Shari-Lea Hitchcock. It is quite common for bogans to have been bred in exclusive private schools: witness Amber Petty and Mark Alexander-Erber of Pubboy.

There are many behavioral variants amongst bogans: the Tuggeranong, ACT population is more likely to mate for life, while the Eastern Suburbs bogan is more inclined to “bedhop”. This may be due to access to plumage discards from former bogans such as Princess Mary of Denmark. Rare footage of Amber Petty has been posted showing her rolling on a mattress with skinned knees and in her fuschia bridesmaid gear from the Danish royal wedding in May 2004.

Whether there is such an animal as a ‘former bogan’ has not been researched; I am inclined to the belief that once a bogan always a bogan. Princess Mary’s cousin, the aptly named Johncock, has recently been jailed on rape charges, which indicates ongoing bogan status for the princess. The tragedy that is little Prince Christian is becoming difficult for even the fawning Danish pink press to ignore. There is also the interesting issue of bogan ‘bleed’ intra-familia. It has been observed that the Danish Royal Family are beginning to take on certain bogan traits. In the extreme case of Crown Prince Frederik, he only needed approximately five minutes in the company of his future bride at the Slip Inn before a latent Inner Bogan was brought to the surface; within weeks the product of 1000 years of careful royal breeding was slurping processed cereal from the sofa in his undies, chatting with the city sex officer/roommate whilst the Bogan conquest continued to sleep. Yet Frederik's royal cousins seemed immune to the affects of their own Olympic slumming. Also it is interesting to note that footage of the 2004 bogan-royal wedding as watched under black light shows a strange laser-like beam eminating from the open kilt of the Boganson clan laird toward his new royal in-laws on the other side of the aisle. No wonder non-bogan, non-royal-origined Alexandra felt the need to excuse herself from further proceedings within the DRF. This fascinating bogan-royal trait-swapping is a topic of ongoing research. Relative information of interest should be addressed to contributing researcher Yehudi Geldstein, MD: yehudi.geldstein@gmail.com.

This excellent article has also missed the presence in the West Melbourne population of the ORIGINAL bogan footwear, a black sheepskin moccasin worn with a tight denim miniskirt. Amber Petty is one of the most studied bogans in Australia; considerable research notes have been published in an obscure journal, http://www.rbhq.net/, Royal Blue Forums, which is haunted by another "disguised bogan" fraternity consisting of royalists. This fraternity was discovered by the anthropologist Emma Tom during research for her recently published biography of Princess Mary. The case study of Amber Petty and Shari-Lea Hitchcock is ongoing, so research notes are welcome by email to: jane.hansard@gmail.com