Yehudi's note to Rob Roy
To: Rob Roy Woad-bod
From: Yehudi Geldstein
Date: 26 November 2006
Re: Next Glucksborg-Boganson genetic experiment
Dear Mr. Woad-bod,
Please let this email serve as final invoice for services rendered in ensuring the incubation of the second heir to the Skanknak-MacBoganderry tribe (totem from the Tasmanian side: Echidna, and from the Scots side: Bagpipe Bong). By now you can see that despite the Crown Princess’s abysmal solid caloric intake, her pictish stomach muscles have been rendered weakened and therefore there is sufficient abdominal evidence that indeed, our latest genetic experiment is in full force.
We believe that you will be very pleased with the results of this latest fecundation. Our medical team was successful in incorporating some of the left-over Glucksborg samples taken by the Crown Prince at his Norwegian cousin’s christening, and conjoining them with some “new” and “novel” cells in London during a “shopping visit” during which time the crown princess was required to wear a jacket of tribal green in order to channel all of the envy and money lust that the Bogansons possess. The resulting cellular mixture that was created was successfully implanted into the hormonally-induced nest that is the youngest Boganson daughter’s womb, a physical salmagundi designed with laproscopic precision by my somewhat distinguished colleague, Schlomo Feldman.
Dr. Feldman, you will recall, is the genius behind the surgery performed in utero on Prince Xn in order to transfer the Boganson tribal dental magic from his grandpappy. The Chad Morgan smile is safe for another generation. I will never understand why Jock Boganson actually thought that “going Hollywood” would be a good idea, but clearly the opportunities for slurping at the royal Danish trough are proving too great for him and his missus to be patient about waiting for the legal rights to such goodies. I received a copy of your letter to him warning him of the risks of such a makeover, but alas, greed and entitlement are components of the Boganson family make-up.
Your recent correspondence referred to my earlier ‘error’ in performing genetic analysis on a sample of DNA that was not the princess. I maintain that the mistake was made because the sample was taken from Miss Kate Fischer, James Packer’s ex fiancée, when she was in the company of Sarah O’Hare. The princess had been photographed in the company of Sarah O’Hare and I think that led to the confusion. Of course you're right, they should have noticed a difference between the statuesque Kate and the stumpy little Boganson. If it were legally advisable to admit to the error, Woad-bod, of course I would. I can appreciate that the princess’s entrée into the DRF was on the basis of the feminine, eastern suburbs princess genetic makeup of Kate Fischer, who of course won Dolly model of the year in 1983 as a fifteen-year-old and a genetic fount of paragon of womanhood genes. I mean, it was a reasonable error: who could possibly have thought that a Nadia Comaneci look-alike could be the object of a sensitive crown prince's affections? In any case, that was then. I have made up for that with regular genetic insertions. Such is my lot. She has a vile temper and it's a trying procedure. Talk about a tongue-lashing! I prefer to keep my earpiece in, with Daisy haranguing me throughout. How come such a control freak as that Queen couldn't influence her son when it mattered. They make work all around.
Regarding this current “pregnancy”, the princess was very specific that she would accept nothing less than a girl child, but there are no guarantees for these things with the host’s hormonal levels. Please have our assurances that Dr. Feldman is standing by to make some more surgical manipulations in order to attempt to create some lady parts in this latest zygote. With any luck there might be both - then they can choose whether it's worth risking a girl identity. There's only so much science can do. Smart move of Frederik's I notice from the press, hedging his bets on the child's gender! He gets to choose AFTER the birth, most probably!
In the event that the baby is born biologically male, but with Schlomo’s Hollywood lady bits, well, the parents will be forced to make a choice: to raise the child as a sissy-boy like his papa, or as a chip off of mummy’s broad, stooped shoulders. In either case, I think they will be pleased with the petit presque-zizi we can fashion for the child. By the way, you and your clients should not be disappointed: this time I was more careful not to cross-pollinate the embryo again with the “mother’s” frozen gallstones.
Please also warn the crown princess that her desire for full and luxurious hair will come at a price. She needs to continue to stress to her hair stylist that the demi-wig from an unfortunate Romanian is for now the only way that can be achieved. The hormones with which she is being injected on a weekly basis, combined with the bromides she finishes off for Frederik, are too powerful and could easily result in further hair loss, alas, this hair loss will not be possible on the rest of her anatomy. We tried, believe me. The photos from Stockholm that you sent to us were absolutely revolting. You want that I should give you the name of our depilatory specialist colleague for consultation after emminent release from hospital? My sources tell me that there was an unfortunate incident with an Aussie-accented Danish thug, but that the prognosis is good.
Please note that my office will be closed from the first night of Hannukah through the New Year. Please plan accordingly. If they need me at the end of their second Australian tour, I will not be available. My cousin Mortie has warned me against the taste of a Tasmanian bagel.