18 December, 2006

A trusted 'grey suit' writes to Margrethe
























Your Majesty,

I am attempting to keep you up-to-date with your son's mental meanderings and sexual proclivities as gleaned from the servants and other eyes and ears around the palace, but he is certainly a serial digressor! Small fires constantly being hosed is perhaps the most accurate way to put it. And putting out a fire with whiskey isn't really the way to go. To put it mildly, there are some concerns.

Firstly and most oddly, Frederik has plans to spearhead a revival of the Lasse Braun years, when Denmark was at the forefront of the liberation of pornography. This must arise one presumes from the 'talking dirty with his sailor mates' that Frederik has been repeating ad nauseum. Lasse Braun, you will recall, was featured on Arte recently with a couple of documentaries. The fact that he's a washed-up loser appeared to find no form with Fred, who was glued to the screen. Must be a further sympton of his decision about four years ago to snob himself down. His wife, being no stranger to sex industry advocates, was bored by the doco - "too hippy", she declared.

Fred was inspired by The Devil In Miss Jones of 1973, which Andrew Miles showed him on DVD in Bondi Junction, and wished to produce a revival with roles reversed and Frederik himself taking the lead. He seems to be rather anxious to scratch the acting bug again. Here's a synposis of the original film: Justine Jones, spinster, commits suicide, and the Devil offers her the opportunity to live her life over again as a sexually rapacious libertine. It appears from this posting on the internet that Frederik's plans have reached pornography historians: "Although rumors continue to fly about a more modern "re-imagining" of the original film's storyline, as of December 2003, nothing concrete has been announced by any major adult video studio". His wife's family's talking buttocks seem to be a keen inspiration to him. No word yet on whether the female lead will be played by man, or if union rules will demand the role be open to rather butch, waistless actresses as well. Frederik seems quite anxious himself to put on the d'Artingnan costume again.

Since those original plans for a fairly innocent movie, Fred's proclivities have become stranger and stranger. Take the servant with the bandaged knee. Her knee has been healed for quite some time, but continues to wear the bandage under orders. She, a plain, middle-aged working-class woman, is required to stand by the sidelines observing the royal couple constantly, even in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say. She seems to have been singled out for her uncanny ressemblence to a walrus crossed with a scotch nanny. I can only surmise that Fred is projecting is wounded, damaged unconscious onto this servant in some way. The woman also had an alarming ressemblence to old Nanny MacGillicudy back in her heyday working for you. Odd. A matter, you will agree, for further investigation.

Similar twists on banality are surfacing elsewhere. Take the holiday Down Under. What orgy of self-punishment is the Prince self-inflicting, one wonders, spending time with those freakishly freckled children his nieces and nephews? They resemble the freckled Devil twins in The Devil Wears Prada. His royal Highness was the point person for all the runs to the Hill Street Grocer. He carried all the shopping bags. He spent most of his days jumping on the trampoline with the kids or meeting up with his brother-in-law's loser friends from school. Back at Jane's he slept hanging upside down under the balconies whenever he wasn't in the humidor. Your majesty, it is quite simply, deeply disturbing. It's as if he would rather foresake his glorious destiny and instead live life as a regular, bogan Joe. I have asked Dr. Freudenborg to put some decent analysis up for a change. How can such a simple, childish fellow with such basic, elemental needs baffle the professionals so completely?

Yours truly,

Ove
Lord Chamberlain

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As fetishes go, Mary Donaldson certainly takes the cake, the cake tin, the mixing bowl, and the scotch nanny upper arms from all that mixing! Not to mention the (pre-resurfacing) skin like a Christmas pudding full of raisins.

December 20, 2006 1:14 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I note there is no inclusion in the note from Lord Chamberlain on Fred's habit of going out on his own to bars and rapper-rock star parties...and of course, his close association with the drug bust a few weeks ago. It is also noted that Snoop-Dogg was arrested not in Denmark where he was caught red-handed ... but on arrival in California...for both drugs-related charges and weapons charges.

If this sad tale isn't a scream for help from Poor Freddy, I don't know what is ?

December 20, 2006 3:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you find these pictures? The watermark says Polfoto, so I guess it is really Freddy in costume? Never knew he had such aspirations.

December 20, 2006 4:54 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yes, Fred is quite the actor. I met him and he didn't want to let me go and he put quite a show on for me, and I fell for it. I have to agree with whoever wrote that he's a master of illusion. Oh and by the way, Fred is not gay. He just got caught up in someone's manipulative web, but he's extracting himself and that's all that matters.

December 20, 2006 5:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need some help from you sleuth types. I'm a novice psychic, just opening up my psychic abilities, and I was thinking about Fred the other day and I got this vision that he has a baby with one of the ex-girlfriends. I think this was pre-Mary days. Does anyone know if there was ever such a story circulated? Would appreciate any leads on this.

December 20, 2006 7:33 am  
Anonymous Leesa said...

I don't think Fred is gay either, but he may enjoy the chance for cross dressing when one presents itself. Which would be even more disasterous for the guilded-cage floors as Mares is already trotting around on the health-killers, and Fred added to it would mean carpets and slabs or marble need to be replaced at regular intervals. Perhaps it's a way the two of them can share in an experience; Mrs Denmark already is a drag, so perhaps Freddie wants to be a drag, too. - Makes you wonder about the kiddo's future, but it may be Prada already supply them with specially designed kiddie trotters.

December 20, 2006 1:08 pm  
Blogger Cece said...

Lees, I think Anna Johanssen was quoted as saying that Freddles likes boobies. So imagine his disappointment when Mares started losing all her puppy fat and compensated with the padded bras.

No truth to the pre-Mares baby story.

December 20, 2006 1:14 pm  
Anonymous Leesa said...

Oh blimey, Cece, so Freddum hasn't been weaned off yet. Suppose that's the reason why he's got the aura of a sucker. - Always feel for the women whose guys are after big tits, as they're only after their mummy. Such a shame a Big Tits in Canada is still rampant without a little sucker attached. Unless, of course, the preference is for under-age cherubs.

December 20, 2006 2:24 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just noticed Fred is playing with the ring in this picture. Is that where he picked up that nasty nervous habit?

December 22, 2006 6:30 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I read these blogs, I laugh until I weep. Probably very similar to the reaction the Queen has to Freddo's antics.

December 24, 2006 5:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it strange that Fred apparently likes boobies, since his previous girlfriend, Bettine, was small breasted as well

December 25, 2006 2:19 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There may be some truth to that rumour: the photographer, Madeleine Glindorf, is big-breasted and it appears that Fred has the hots for her and she reciprocates.

December 25, 2006 5:01 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Freddums likes big boobies, then he would certainly like Karina Schou on Se og Hor.

http://www.sh-online.dk/default.aspx?Action=ViewArticle&VoteAction=Barometer&ItemID=535&GroupID=26

December 28, 2006 8:45 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck, wish I looked like Karina. Does anyone think Karina would be Fred's type?

December 28, 2006 5:20 pm  
Anonymous Leesa said...

She actually looks like Mares,int he face that is, the rest has been spared me. But the hair colour is wrong. If she were a brunette, she
s be a lot like M.

I'm sure Fred look like her! He hasn't been fussy about hair colour before.

December 29, 2006 9:01 pm  
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