31 July, 2010

An imaginary diary

Dear Diary

I had to go and see Mor after my bath. First time in a fortnight.

I have been going to Junior Starmakers sessions. Mor was very cross with me. I applied myself to my lessons too diligently, she said.

Let me explain. My first lesson was to learn how to stare really really hard with my eyes open and not blink, like Mor does to the cameras.

Now she is saying I have to change how I stare because I'm staring like Princess Michael's dad in Germany when he was young & about to order an unfortunate off to have a medical experiment. Like, hello, how can I control my irises? They are little points because I'm pissed off with the world. How can I frigging well dilate them when Lille Pige is right in front of me? Not to mention my cousins over on the right annoying Mor just by looking aristo - so we'll all cop it later at home. Regency-fop-in-waiting Niko gets my goat.

Speaking of goats, Mor has been complaining that her favourite website, Royal Dish, has nicknamed me "Busy Bubble" or something like that. She sits and swears at the computer. I keep saying, get off the frigging machine, Mor, if you don't like it, and let me at a few grown-up sites. But she's addicted. She's on that site all the time. It must be a homage to her or she wouldn't bother.

So, I have pale blue eyes with pinpoint irises. Since when has that been unusual in Danish royal circles? Mor had another whinge when her website called me Ceausescu. Family friend, Mor! That's a compliment.

Anyway back to Starmakers. I'm not cut out for it. My nannies keep telling Mor, I'll never be a Nik. And in any case, she'd have to spare some of her wardrobe money so I can wear little suits like Niko. The freebies for Mor from the fashion houses have dried up lately, something to do with her public profile - except, she reckons they are trying to get stuff onto Auntie Marie. Marie doesn't care about brands though. She just wears what she likes. Anyway, if Mor's "cranky, turned away" profile is what is worrying them, it's fine with me. If staring at Mor's cranky face keeps Pa on the scotch and oot da waugh in the northern wing, that's just fine with all of us.

Mor and Pa have had a couple of encounters in the corridor lately. Why they can't just take different routes around the house is beyond me. But Mor keeps sneaking around hunting for Auntie Katya. Katya's kinda nice. She let me look at great-grand-mor's real ruby parure last Sunday! Papa Fred has the real one now and Mor has a fake - granny had a replica made because they found a miniature pick thing in Mor's bedside drawer, and a whole pile of the rubies in a matchbox. They tested the parure and Mor had swapped heaps of them over for glass ones. Great-auntie Benedikte said she couldn't believe Mor did it on her own, because she has such big clumsy hands.

So, I went to see Mor, she checked out my stare, told me to stop telling the nannies I love them, and followed me upstairs just so she could take the reindeer hide out of my bed AGAIN and put it on the floor. She said if I want a comforter I can have an old teddy bear. It's OK though. The nannies put it back in my bed as soon as Mor had closed the door. They know they have to do exactly what I want or they're in trouble.

WELL that little encounter with Mor threw me and I can't remember whether I'm having supper with Pa or with Mor or with the nannies this evening. Mor forgets half the time anyway, which is handy. I used to hate it when it was Pa day in case he got all maudlin and emotional on me. But now that he's living with Katya in his quarters, he's perfectly normal.

I overheard the nannies the other day and they said I might turn out fine. Like I care! I turn out how I turn out, and f*ck the lot of youse. That's what Auntie Amber taught me to say. Katya doesn't like it when I swear at Mor and Isabella and the servants and the nannies and Ziggy. But she still gives me a big hug and doesn't worry about anything. I love Auntie Katya x x x x x x x she is a real woman.


23 July, 2010


17 July, 2010

The Press Council writes to the Queen

FROM: Pressenævnet (Danish Press Council)

Deres Majestæt Dronning Margrethe,

Firstly, Happy Bastille Day to you and your consort. We hope that this is not too insensitive given the parallels between France in 1789 and Denmark in 2010. We only mean to acknowledge the French heritage of your husband and progeny.

You requested holiday photographs of your children and grandchildren and some of the results have not been to your satisfaction.

We must apologise, but wish to provide some explanation.

1. Obtaining fabulous, positive photos of Joachim, Marie, Nikolai, Felix and Henrik was of course easy. No nannies in sight, and besides being photogenic, they are bursting with joy and contentment and take pride in dressing the children well.

2. The press attended on Crown Princess Mary's visit to the circus, as suggested, and they had no control over the situation. She chose to wear black, and the reporters and photographers certainly didn't spray chili in the air to produce tears in both children. Nor did they Photoshop a bruise onto Isabella's arm.

3. It was impossible to convince Frederik to go out in public alone with the Princess without fulfilling an entirely inappropriate payment request, not in the form of alcohol (which we would have happily acceded to) but a more serious item, so we attempted a substitute opportunity for the Prince at a sports event with other people's children. That would have worked fine, except that the Prince forgot he is a grownup when in the company of so many kinder. Again, we had no control over the expressions on his face or the clowning around.

4. We had no control over Katja's decision to be photographed on the same day looking beautiful and wearing royal purple. How she obtained Queen Ingrid's ruby tiara to wear, we can only posit that Crown Prince Frederik facilitated the occasion. Whether that was to fulfill a deeplyfelt wish, or to annoy his wife, we cannot theorise.

5. Contrary to the Princess's advisor's assertions, we did not tip the Prince off with the fact that Katja would be in the same location overnight, and Apple were unable to block communication between Frederik's iPhone (he clearly is not in possession of the iPhone 4) and Katja, as they follow international protocols and as Denmark's royals being above the law didn't apply to the company.

We wish to respectfully submit that if the Crown Prince Couple wish to have positive coverage in the media, they consult the web advice forum Royal Dish, where the Princess will find advice on what to wear, how to behave, whom to avoid in terms of drug addicts and hangers-on, and upon whom to model her behaviour.

Please convey to Prince Joachim and his family, our delight at the news that a cousin for Princess Isabella may be on the way, and we wish to submit a request for a photo opportunity on one of Isabella's regular solo visits to Joachim's family.

The most positive coverage for the Danish Royal Family currently, would be if Prince Frederik, Katja and Isabella were photographed on an outing with Joachim and his family.

Yours truly,

14 July 2010